My last relationship, like many young relationships, was nothing short of an experience. We laughed. We loved. We tried. Unfortunately, we did not always communicate. It’s not that we didn’t want to, it’s just that we didn’t know how. Or, maybe we feared what might happen if we did.
Meanwhile, our many coupled friends appeared to constantly be arguing, crying, and making up, only to do it all over again. We joked that we were lucky we didn’t fight like that.
With fighting comes making up, and with making up, comes having conversations neither of us knew how to have, conversations neither of us wanted to have.
The first time he saw me cry, he smiled.
We had been fighting (a rare occurrence considering our shared fear of confrontation), and the tears would just not stop. I was a mess.
I can’t tell you why we were arguing, but I remember looking up through my blurry eyes and seeing him gather strength to move closer to me. He slowly placed his hand on my shoulder and said,
“Hey, at least you care.”
I found this to be a funny way of comforting a person. What did he mean? Of course I cared! I was in the relationship. I stayed. I tried.
I cried all the time!
I cried in sad movies.
I cried while reading books.
I cried every time that Sarah Mclachlan commercial came on.
Wasn’t that enough?
I’m no robot. I feel much, but I overthink everything. I find myself in constant fear that every action I take may prove how much I really do care, as if caring about something or someone is the worst thing that could happen to a person.
We all want to be cared for, so what’s wrong with being on the caring side of a relationship?
Nobody wants to be the one that cares more.
Allowing oneself to be vulnerable is absolutely terrifying. But, it’s also absolutely necessary in order to have a successful relationship with any person.
I’ll admit, it’s not a common occurrence in my life to embrace having the ability to simply feel something.
I’ll be the first to convince another “I’m fine,” and the last to admit I spent the last hour crying in the bathroom at work.
I’ll tell a friend to stop obsessing, despite having spent my entire day waiting to hear from a loved one, a crush, or someone that simply no longer loves me.
I’ll plan in my head over and over again what I’m going to say to a person who has hurt me, yet the moment I see them, I brush it off without saying a thing.
But, guess what world?
I want, I need, I love, I feel, and I care so much.
Whether it be anger, sadness, or complete joy, embrace having the ability to feel something. Embrace having the ability to express such feelings with another or because of another.
We’re human, and it’s perfectly natural to want, need, love, feel, and above all, care.
Want to feel truly worthy of another’s vulnerability?
Embrace your own.
If you don’t care, why should they?
