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This Is How She Allows Her Past to Affect Her (Without Even Realizing It)

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She is always running… Running from a lot of things. 

Her responsibilities, her past, honestly anything that reminds her of the hurt that cut her so deep she never really learned to heal from it.  

Instead, she learned how to keep it a secret. All of her grief, her anger, and her fears bottled up in a pint-sized holder in her heart. 

During the day, she seems confident but she's good at putting on an act. 

Because her deepest fears come out in the middle of the night when she wakes she gasps for air. 

The anxiety becomes too overwhelming and it hurts her to breathe. She feels the knot in her throat grow as her thoughts circle and wander.

Her mind is always in a constant state of chaos. She always told herself she deserved better, yet better never came.  

So she drinks to calm her nerves. She smokes to calm the anxiety. In that high, she feels peace.

For a long time she felt like no one could understand her, so she built walls far greater than they've ever been.

Her past changed her and she hates it. 

She can still see their faces; the smiles, so innocent yet so sinister. 

She can still hear the voices; the whispers and the screams. 

How could this person make her feel so small and insignificant? How could she allow herself to feel that way well after they left her life?

It's hard to heal from words that are engraved on her heart. She still looks in a mirror and she still sees it and still feels it. 

She used to be this strong girl, nothing could tear her down, now she’s walking around on eggshells to protect her heart. 

But she is more than her past. Slowly, she’s realizing it's not supposed to dictate her future like this. 

She is still living. She is still surviving. She is thriving. Every day is a step away from the past. 

It's a new beginning to shed her away from the abuse, the criticism, the pain that was constantly inflicted. Sure, it happened, it makes her cringe to think about, but maybe tomorrow it’ll feel a little bit further away. 

And the next day maybe she won’t even think about it. 

She just needs to choose herself this time, because damn does she deserves it.

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