Truthfully, I have never really gotten far enough in a relationship to let myself love someone, before you. And now I think I'm becoming too much for you to handle. I have problems.
I'm the kind of girl who seems to always ruin everything. I ruin friendships, I've had so many come and go. I give up on things I have a passion for. I never take more than a few steps in the right direction before falling down and going back to the same routine of self-destruction.
This is nothing I haven't already known for a long time. My insecurities make a lot of decisions for me, though I hate to admit it. Fear drives me absolutely crazy but I am always catching myself walking in it. This causes a lot of trust issues for our relationship. I know. It makes me go off a wall and be down your throat the second I fear you're doing something wrong or distancing yourself from me. For this I am sorry.
Maybe it's because I invested too much into you to soon. Maybe I just wasn't ready for this and convinced myself otherwise.
My thoughts on our relationship are endless, They run in every direction and cause unneeded confusion, conflict even. I just wonder if you feel the same way. I mean you would have too.
One minute we're the picture perfect couple and the next I'm upset over nothing, but I can't stop myself from trying to figure out what the problem is.
I've come to a conclusion though. I don't think I'm trying to figure out the problem in our relationship, I'm searching for the answers to what's wrong with me. Why am I so insecure? Why do I put so much pressure and angst on our relationship to make me feel happy, 24/7?
And why do I think you're the cure for my fears and problems? I hope I find out soon. I'm really starting to love this whole you and I thing. And I don't want to lose you. But I know it's just a matter of time before I ruin this too.
I'm a mess and I'm just stirring up the perfect storm for disaster to happen.
I just hope you're still here when the sirens stop.