I'm woken up from my sleep in the dead of night to the most annoying sound in my ear, and a buzzing vibration by my head. I feel groggy, tired, and almost as if my head is non-existent. Probably the side-effect of taking prescription sleeping pills every single night. But I have to do what I have to do. I would like to say having to do so was something new, but that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is that, It has been this way since you left. And now I'm looking at this obnoxiously bright screen in front of my eyes, and though my vision is very blurry, I can still make out your name. Oh, no here we go again.
I contemplate for what feels like an hour, if I should answer the phone call or simply let it go. Or, maybe I should decline so you know I ended it. I feel like my lungs are going to collapse. My heart is racing and my palms, they're sweating. My mind can't seem to decide what the best choice is to make. I tell myself just to let it go, to go back to sleep and worry about it tomorrow. By then it probably won't matter as much anyways! That's what I tell myself atleast. But then, what feels like an eternity of over thinking and over worrying becomes suddenly ended by one decision. The motion of my finger hitting the bright, little green button on my screen.
I can hear your breathe on the other end of the line. You're breathing heavily and very steadily, all at the same time. I try to open my mouth to let words fall out but nothing actually comes out. Not one noise, not one sound, not one word. Not even "Hello." I feel like my heart is literally going to explode now because we are both sitting in silence just listening to each other breathe, and it's making me very antsy and nervous. "What does he want?" "What is he going to say?" "What should I say?" "Why isn't he saying anything he called me!" The thoughts just wonder and wonder, on and on endlessly. Until finally I clear my throat, and all I can muster up to say in this moment of nervousness and stomach turning knots, is, "HI."
You take a few more moments of silence, probably to conjure up a sentence to say back to me, until you finally say something in reply. I said "Hi," so you say "Hi." Really?! is this the game we're playing right now? I woke you at 3 a.m. for this? Please no. Just when I think about just hanging up and ignoring you for the rest of eternity you pipe of an actual sentence. You say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this awkward I just didn't think you would answer, and you did. So now I don't know what to say because I'm nervous." Same old, same old. I've heard it all before, but like usual I fall for it, again. I tell you it's fine, not a big deal, and not to worry about it. Then I politely ask you why you called in the first place.
You start talking to me. You ask me how I've been and what I've been up too. I say I'm doing alright and everything's been fine. Work is work as usual, nothing really new has been happening in my life. It's all just been in the same place it was a year ago. The only difference, I say, is that it's without you. And I accidentally slip up and tell you that it feels "strange without you here to live it with me." Whoops. Why did I say that? This is exactly why I should have just ignored the phone call in the first place. I just gave you leverage, what am I doing? It's way too late to be having this conversation.
And just like that, you just tell me everything. You tell me about all of the changes you have made in your life. How you quit your overly busy job and got a new one so you could enjoy doing more of the things you love. You tell me about the decisions you've had to make over the last year, how much you missed me being there to help you make them. You even admit that you tried to talk to someone else for a while but you just couldn't get past the fact that she was nothing like me and it never would have become a dating thing. You start making my head run a million directions, and my heart pound faster as I listen to every word you say. It's like I want to hangup, I don't want to hear any of this, but something won't let me.
That something is my heart. You now begin to tell me how madly in love you are with me. How lost you are in this world if you don't have me. I can't freaking breathe, I know where this is leading. I hear your voice crack and you're trying to keep your cool and not cry as you tell me how beautiful I am and how beautiful your love for is. God! no, no, no! You love me more than anyone or anything in this world. I am the only person, the only soul you will ever know to love as much. I am the only person who has ever walked into your life and changed it in a good way. The only one to ever see who you truly are. Will I just give you another chance? Can I forgive you for leaving and hurting me?
My head is spinning. My heart is pounding, I may faint. I don't even know what to say as you ask me if I'm still there, because I haven't made a single sound since you stopped speaking. My feelings are bubbling up into an explosive mess. And just like a volcano, I can't control them as they begin to erupt. Tears stream down my face. I miss you so much, so very much, I do. I never wanted to lose you, not once. I told myself I would never forgive you, I would never give you another chance if you came back. But you did. And now we're here sitting in awkward silence on the phone, again. I don't know what to say or how to say the words that are mush in my head. Once again, you ask me if I'm still there and all I can manage to say as I try to push back the tears, is, "I still love you."
And I just know that this is about to get me into trouble.
