in

To My Dad, I'm Sorry I Keep Failing You

People say that every daughter's first love is their dad, and I agree. Growing up, all I ever wanted was to make you proud. I looked up to you as my role model, you were my hero and my strength but also my weakness. I always tried to do my best to make you proud, but for some reason, I keep failing you.

I wasn't the ideal daughter that every father dreams of, that much I know. I wasn't as smart as all the others, I never excelled in academics neither in any other extra curricular activities in school. And when you and mom decided to separate, it had a huge impact on me.

As I grew older it felt like you were thousands of miles away from me. I was misguided, I got influenced by bad company. I started drinking, smoking, and dating… a lot. There was never a time I didn’t have a boyfriend. There came a point where I felt that I should be dependent on men because you weren't around. 

But Dad, I keep choosing the wrong guy. I always end up being cheated on or being left with a broken heart. I think I kept looking for someone like you in every man I date and I keep failing every single time.

And when you came back, I wasn't sure how to reach out to you, I felt ashamed. I felt out of place like I didn't feel I still belong in your life. Dad, I’m too broken on the inside and out to know how to handle any of that. 

You’ve provided for me in your own ways, but to be honest I’ve never felt like your daughter. I grew up thinking that I was just your responsibility. And as a kid not having a father around made me grow up hypersensitive and an over-thinker to the extremes. Your absence wrecked me emotionally and mentally.

Despite everything though, knowing I’ve failed you kills me. My hatred and the pain I felt from not having you around fueled my ability to give you a cold shoulder for too long. But even if I don't usually express my love for you, it will always be there. 

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I continue to fail you, I keep disappointing you, and I almost ruined your family because of my irrational decisions. But just know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being stubborn and a lot to handle sometimes.  

And I want you to know that I forgive you.

They say, in life, you have to forgive and forget. And I agree, I forgive you, dad, but I know I have to learn this whole ‘life’ thing on my own. For as long as I can remember, I kept waiting for that time where I would be able to look into your eyes and know that you were proud of me… but that time has yet to come. 

I'm not perfect. No one is. And that is something you should realize too. Our pride took the best of us. I made a mistake and even if you won't admit it, you made a mistake too. And that's okay because mistakes make people wiser and stronger. And that is something no one can really avoid no matter how much we try to avoid it. Mistakes are simply part of human nature.

Dad, I know I haven't given you enough reasons to be proud of me, but I promise, someday soon, I will. I'm sorry for not being the daughter you deserve but please know that I love you and you will always be my first love.

For more like this, check out our Facebook Page!