I have this fixation on repairing broken things, people, friend groups, even families, so much so that I will risk my own well-being to do it. There is something about it that makes me feel so alive.
I got caught up in that with our relationship, or what I thought was a relationship.
I destroyed myself, and I let you destroy my outlook on love. I blamed myself for everything that happened, I took your wrong doings and made excuses for them. I allowed myself to change who I was and am to form to your liking.
I loved you so passionately that I let you telling me I am crazy, become so OK. I allowed you to let me believe that everything I did for you was "extra" and unnecessary.
You complained that I was "too crazy" and "too much to handle" and you don't know how damaging that was.
I was never crazy, and if I am, you made me that way.
You interrupted my life. Asked for my time, car, gas, and money. Convinced me that you were different from everyone else, and I know that was crazy so I kept my guard up. That's why it took so long for it to come down, you know how it was.
I finally got to the point where I was all in. I became your biggest fan. The support I gave you was unreal.
You had a best friend, girlfriend, mom, sex slave, and masseuse all in one person, at first you were appreciative and happy, who wouldn't want that? But then you became used to it, even annoyed by it.
You would use me only when it was beneficial for you, it was never about me. The support became more consistent than you could reciprocate, you wouldn't keep up with me.
But you couldn't tell me "you are too supportive/consistent and I can't reciprocate that consistently" No. Hell no. So you made me feel like my support was extra, like my consistency was too much like my issues were exaggerated. Like I was crazy.
But the truth is, you would much rather make me feel like I am crazy than to deal with the flaws in your character, you did this without realizing how damaging it was for me.
You basically realized you were trash but did not want to admit that so you used my love and heart as your scapegoat, you broke my heart and had the audacity to tell me "it's not your fault" but the whole time made me feel like it was.
I started to think that showing normal love was crazy or too excessive. You made me cold, heartless even, nonchalant.
Love seems more like a fairytale than it did when I was a kid. It is like loving a child's smile, then suddenly smacking the child every time they smile at you… one day that child will stop smiling.
Now I know you had your issues, just as I had mine.
Your biggest fear was being emotionally dependent on me, in fear that I could up and leave you any day, what you didn't know was that I could never leave you, I could never walk away from you, even if I wanted too.
I know this because to this day, even though we are not together and no longer speak.
I still can't seem to walk away, I still can't seem to stop loving you. It sounds dumb to say because we all fall in love again after having our hearts broken, but I don't think I can ever love someone the way I loved you again.
I will always be this broken human, wondering around searching for something that does not exist outside of us.