It’ll always come in waves, those feelings of missing you. The feelings that come with the grieving of no longer having you here. I know the saying goes, they’re never gone. But you’re not physically here to touch or to laugh with.
Everyone has their own pace at which they grieve. Everyone around is for the most part understanding. I do my best to not make it sound so terrible.
But as the moments pass, there are some days more than others where I feel I need to talk about it all day. When others, if it comes up I can handle it.
I can still laugh at the silly things, which I love that I can do. But I hate that on the rough days, I struggle to find those silly things as funny as I did days before.
Everyone has their different ways of coping. Eventually, within time, the hope is it will get easier. Maybe one day I’ll be back to that version of me I was when we first met. But for now, that girl doesn’t seem to fully be here the way she was when you were.
That’s how the waves come and go. I know there is nothing I can do to bargain with God to send you back. I know it’s not possible so I skipped that step.
But I wish I let myself feel more anger with you when you were here. I wish I didn’t guilt myself out of being anger because of all that you were going through.
Losing you, there were so many situations I wish I allowed myself to experience because it might have been what helps me face these feelings now.
But then again, why would I ever think I would have to face the feelings of not having you around anymore?
One day I will be able to have control of my own waves. One day the intensity of missing you won’t make me feel like I’m drowning in any ocean.
One day I will be at a point where Monday’s will go back to being great days instead of believing nothing good can come of a Monday.
I know there are moments where I can think back and laugh at the way you would react.
Or smile when I pass our favorite places. But for now, those waves are going to keep crashing at their pace.
The feeling of missing you, the feeling of wishing you were here, like the ocean waves at its different strengths, are going to come in and go.
About The Author
Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.