But I was only 13.
I was 13 when you took my hand. I was just a teenager, more so still a kid. I was young, dumb, vulnerable, and beyond all, I just wanted to be wanted. I wanted to fit in, we all do at that age. You knew that, that's how you got me.
It wasn't your charming looks or materialistic items. It wasn't money or a nice car. It wasn't your attraction or values, truly you didn't have any. It's that someone was giving me the attention I craved, and that was enough for my young heart to melt.
You were 16, almost 17. You said you would show me what love was like. You told me you would teach me what it felt like to live a perfect fairy tale. You told me to take your hand, and never look back. You would treat me like the princess I am. I fell for it.
Damn, you're a good liar.
I was called stupid and pathetic. I was constantly being torn down for being with you. But I didn't know any better, I didn't know they were right.
Because I didn't know that love wasn't yelling and crying. I didn't know love wasnt lying and hiding. I didn't know that when you loved someone, you didn't hurt them. I figured that's how you grew closer, through fighting and arguing. You got over it and moved on, stronger than before.
I didn't know that I should be able to say no to sex and not be forced into it. I didn't know bruises from being thrown around over an argument wasn't acceptable. I didn't know it was abnormal to break picture frames by my feet to scare me or to break my phone in half. I didn't know being mentally destroyed wasn't what love was. I didn't know about the other girls sleeping in your bed. You mentally and physically abused me for two years and I didn't even know it at the time.
I didn't know that you were the most mentally and physically abusive guy I'd ever meet.
I didn't know, but now I do.
It's been 5 years since we were together. Now I'm finally able to talk about it. I'm finally okay.
Since then I've graduated high school and college, you've gotten married and moved across the country. I'm 21, you're 24. I have a full time job and you are in the military, or you were. Not sure anymore, but that's not important truly. You have a kid and I have a dog. We live very separate lives, I never see you, but you still reached out.
A few months ago you messaged me. Normal conversation, normal topic. Confusion was raised to its peak. I wondered what the hell you could possibly want from me, after 2 years of being my worst nightmare and 5 years of not speaking. What the fuck do you want?
And here it goes. "I think I still love you."
My heart dropped. Speechless. You're kidding, right? This must be a sick joke or something.
Nope. You're serious. And apparently, stupid too.
My heart just hurts now. Not specifically because of you, but because you're still a piece of shit and someone is now your victim, for life.
I feel so awful for the innocent girl you married, who believes your life together is great. I feel bad for your family whom you are obviously not dedicated to. I feel terrible for your son who looks up to his daddy, when daddy can't even be a man. I feel more than crushed that you have not learned a damn thing, and now someone is stuck with such an unfaithful, careless human being.
I'll end this with the following:
Im sorry that after 5 years you felt the need to try to rekindle a fire that has been burnt out for so long. I'm sorry you are so caught up in the past you can't appreciate the wonderful life you have. I'm sorry you are "still inlove" with me and "miss" me.
But let me remind you 5 years ago, when you choked me to almost unconsciousness and took a gun to your head, you lost every sense of respect and feelings I have ever had for you. I may have assisted in saving your life, but you almost took mine away from me.
You will never be in my time, thoughts, or emotions again.
Please, tell your wife how you actually feel. Let her in on your twisted thoughts. She deserves more than that, but I know you can't offer such things. Be a man for your son who loves his daddy more than you could imagine, he needs a role model instead of a monster.
I can't believe after this long you haven't changed a bit. I'm so sorry you will never grow out of the stage of an abusive, cheating little boy.
Get your shit together, and get the fuck over it.
