You were my hero. You were my first best friend. You were my inspiration. Even to this day before making a decision I still ask myself what you would do. I knew losing you would be hard; it would devastate the entirety of who I am and how I perceive life.
You were my mother and you left me way too soon. You were my biggest fan and my most enthused cheerleader. Every time I had a broken heart you were always there with a goofy comment to make me laugh and a carton of Rocky Road Ice Cream, just what the doctor ordered was what you always called it. I often think back about you and all the good memories we shared. I still cry to this day. But I don’t cry for you; I know you are in a better place with loved ones we’ve lost and you are no longer suffering in this cruel world. The truth is I cry for me. I lost the main person in my life. I have to go through this world without you beside me holding my hand. I cry for my children who have to go through this life without ever getting lucky enough to know you. But I know you watch over them every single day.
I often wonder if you can really hear me when I talk to you, because I do it all the time. And I wonder if you can see me and can see how my life turned out. Would you approve of the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with? Would you be proud of the choices I have made in life; would you brag to your friends about what I have done? I will never know because you left to soon.
It breaks my heart when Grandparents Day comes around at school. Everyone else has at least one loving grandparent there to visit them; and then there is my children, sitting on the wall to themselves, head downcast, sad because they are the only child in class who doesn’t have a grandparent there with them. You left us that cold winter night. Then 2 ½ years later when spring was ending and summer was about to begin, history repeated it’s self for the fourth time in my life as I followed along helplessly behind an ambulance as it rushed another loved one to the hospital that unfortunately they wouldn’t be able to save and a few minutes before midnight on a muggy June night Daddy joined you on the other side. I often wonder what Heaven is like and I wonder if loved ones automatically find each other there, being drawn together like magnets. I wonder if you guys can see us and if that sudden cool breeze in the middle of a hot summer day that gently brushes across my face is you standing by me, letting me know you are with me and I’m doing ok.
In a way losing everyone I had then helped me to get to everyone I have now. After Dad died I finally did what I always said I would do, I got out of that small town. But I didn’t get far, I ended up broke down one town away. I met a boy and we fell in love. Soon after we welcomed a little baby girl. And the year after that, we welcomed a little baby boy and our little family was complete. About a year after our son was born, we lost my father-in-law. It was devastating all over again.
Sometimes I swear I can feel you standing next to me. I catch a trace of your perfume on the wind. I get a cold chill when listening to your favorite songs. And most of all I see you in my dreams; you visit me often there.
I will never understand why you had to leave us, I guess I’m not supposed to. But I do one thing, I love you as much as I did when you were with me, possibly even more, and I miss you as much as I did the day you left us, sometimes I think I miss you even more. I get up each morning and face a new day without you. On my best days I can’t wait to see you in my dreams to tell you about it. On my worst days I can’t wait to see you in my dreams to tell you about it and on those days its bad enough, cry on your shoulder. It might only be in my dreams, but some say dreams are just an alternate reality.