It's hard to see things the way they really are instead of the sheltered view of life that was portrayed. The older I get the more I hate the way that things can change, the way that life can switch up so quickly and knock you off your feet.
I've struggled with things as I've grown up seeing my parents split up and seeing things I hope to never see again. It's painful. It's hard to see the people that you relied on break apart.
They say that as a little girl your dad is the first man in your life. The one you look up to and learn how you should be treated in future relationships, but that was all stolen from me when you decided to break up.
You were supposed to be my rock, my shoulder to cry on, the one pair of people willing to unconditionally protect me from people who’ve hurt me.
So what do I do now that you are the ones who’ve hurt me?
I’ve had to learn how to take care of myself now, to rely truly and completely on myself. And that’s a tough thing to do when you still need your parents, when you still care their words and love.
I don’t wish that I grew up in a different family, but I do wish the circumstances were different. Because now as a result of everything that’s happened, I know in your eyes I look like a disappointment compared to my other siblings. I used to be the "good one," the one who always did what was right. But your separation took a toll on me, more than you might even realize. And trust me I'm reminded of that every day. But am I that bad?
I feel like you have this preconceived image of what you hoped I would be. I bet you didn't imagine that I would be this damaged and hurt the way that I was by all this.
I try not to have regrets because what's the point? We can't go back and change it now. It's in the past, right?
Even though I have seen your mistakes and hope to never make them myself, just know that I am thankful for you two. I am who I am because of you both. I had to learn a lot about life on my own because you were scared to show me how life really is. You didn't want to see me hurt, but life had other plans for us.
It breaks my heart that I am not loved for who I am and that I am not appreciated for standing up for what I believe to be true and honest. But maybe one day we’ll grow to understand each other better.
Some things never change even if they should. And other things changed even when they shouldn't. But I won't apologize for what I believe in and I won't tell you that you are right when I don’t think you are.
So just know that even though you may have hurt me the most in my life, I still love you and I will be here if you need me.
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