Halloween as a freshman in college was going to be amazing. It was chilly that night as we all ventured out to Frat Row to see what we could find. I was new to the group, having only met your friend group from high school in August, but I trusted you. And I trusted them. I don’t remember too much of what we all did together or where we went, but I remember you. When you grabbed my hand as we were walking, I let you. When you tried to kiss me later, I kissed you back. When you asked me not to leave your room when everyone else was headed to bed, I stayed. But when you kept kissing me, I pulled back. When you grabbed my hand forcefully, I resisted. When you touched me, I flinched. When I tried to leave, you laughed in my face. So I let you. Because I wanted…something.
I wanted friends. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted college to be the best time of my life.
I didn’t realize the people who were not a part of that group were better friends than yours would ever be to anyone. Including you.
By the time I finally talked you into letting me leave that night, I thought the damage was done. The next few weeks though? Those would prove to be more difficult. When you told the group that I forced myself on you. When you told them that you begged me to leave. When they believed you. When I was alienated in my own dorm building. When I felt like I had lost all my friends at a college that I came to completely alone.
For years, I thought what happened that night was my fault. That my hatred for Halloween was because I just wanted to be accepted. It took me years to realize that my hatred for Halloween is entirely your fault. And it always will be. Yes, one day I may come to enjoy Halloween again. I may even quit dreading its arrival. But what you forced me to do that night will forever be your fault and your doing.
The things you don’t realize when you’re young and naïve, you come to realize as you grow up and mature. Those “friends” really suck. And I’m pretty sure they still do. The real friends I made freshman year are more important and are still a part of my life years later. They pick me up when I fall down and never laugh in my face when I fail or when I’m scared.
I think that is the best thing that could have happened. Because, yeah, it sucked. What you did. And you were just the first on a long list of really shitty boys in my life. But look at the strong woman I am because of how you screwed me over. You thought you could ruin me. And in that, you were wrong.