“Every Storm that comes also comes to an end.” -All Time Low (Time-Bomb)
I see a lot of articles on here talking about how people can’t get past their relationship that ended, that things will never be good again. I’m here to tell you that I am living proof that even though it doesn’t seem like it, you will make it past this person. I know right now you are thinking that I don’t get it, but I do so hear me out.
My relationship ended, well blew up would actually probably be the right word for it. When that happened I looked around and realized I didn’t know who I was anymore or what to do. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend before we dated so I had just lost two important roles everyone needs in their life at once. That is hard, I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt like I was lost in a dark forest and everyone was so far away. And the voices that I could hear, they were telling me to move on, like it was as easy as tying my shoes. I couldn’t do that though, not easily. He had imbedded himself in my life so completely that he was almost an extension of myself both physically and mentally. It took a lot of undoing to navigate back to who I was. Actually that isn’t the right way to put it. I was ireversabily different because of him, mostly in good ways. I wanted to be who I had become, I just had to do some minor adjustments. That took me about four months. I felt like I was standing in the same dark forest with millions of tornados swirling around me and no escape. I was convinced I would feel hurt, sad, and alone forever. It wasn’t until last week that I looked around all the sudden and realized that I had survived the storm. The sky had cleared and the sun rose. I was me again, a new version of me who looked at the world differently, but me none the less. So I want to write this article to give hope to the girls who are in the dark forrest with millions of tornados, one day without realizing it you will look around and the sun will shine, you will be you again.
The first stage I went through I was just sad all the time. To make it worse he was still in my life, but he wasn’t all there anymore. He would only respond sometimes and those responses were nasty half the time or at least dismissive. I would end up crying at night because I just wanted my boyfriend again. I wanted to watch movies with him, make out on my couch, and text all day. He was the only person I could repeat everything I thought to. I felt alone in my head, I had to keep stuff inside. I kept trying to go back to us being normal, but he didn’t seem to want that or to even want to try. I was so lost though that I held out hope we could at least be friends again. I felt like I had to have him in my life in some form or another to survive at that point. If he had suggested dating again I would have dropped everything to be with him.
It took me about a week to stop showing everyone in my life I was sad. When they asked how I was I told them I was fine, but inside I was hurt. I would still cry at night, but less often now. Everyone told me what they thought I wanted to hear. That he doesn’t deserve me, he’s a jerk, I will do better one day. All of which were true, but at the time they just made me angry. I defended him and how he acted to everyone. I told them first and foremost that they did not know him or what he’s been through, on that account I was totally right. Now I realize that it didn’t make how he treated me okay.
By the third month I even had myself convinced I didn’t care anymore about him. What I was saying outlaid was very different than what my mind was doing. When people asked what I’d do if he showed up again I told them obviously not care. But I knew in my heart that all I wanted was for him to care again. He cared about very few things and to be one of them means you are pretty special. I told everyone I had moved on, and when my friends did’t believe me I rolled my eyes and old them they were imagining my caring. But I did care and I knew they were right. Inside my head all I could think is that I’m never gonna have people mean as much to me as he did. I could never just click with someone again. I thought I would care about him when I was drunk. I even told my friends not to let me text him when I’m drunk because I didn’t care anymore, but drunk me might. In the back of my head I knew drunk me really caring meant that I still did in the back of my mind. When I thought about him I just wanted it to be feburary so he would come home and maybe we could still be friends. My friends always asked what I would do if he showed up at home and acted like we were best friends again. I told them nothing, but in my head it was all I hoped for. I knew he didn’t respond before he left and that probably meant that I’d never talk to him again, but I couldn’t let go of him.
I left for school at the end of august still feeling this way. I would tell everyone I didn’t care on the outside and say I was in a good place with it, but I wasn’t. I wanted him back in my life. I went to college convinced I was going to be alone forever because I would never have someone care about me like he did. I could never be that close or connected with someone. I thought that I would always think of him and feel connected to him. Like he was still there somehow. I thought that if he texted me I’d drop everything to respond. Then earlier this week I realized all the sudden. I don’t care. I thought of him and felt nothing anymore. Just love for my past happy memories. I thought of him living his life without me and I was unfazed. I realized I didn’t need him. When I was drunk I didn’t need him or miss him at all. I didn’t recognize this change in me at first, then I realized, I had moved on. It took a while and a lot of tears, but I had moved past him. If I see him at home in December because it’s his birthday I’ll smile and say happy birthday and thats it. I no longer play out a whole sinario where I have my best friend back because I know it probably won’t happen. Heres something I never ever thought I’d be able to say, I’m okay with that. Im okay with everything that has happened. I have the memories and now its done. And when I say it this time I mean it.
