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To The Girl Who Lost Her Virginity Before She Wanted To.

I lay in my bed next to him. The guy who stole my virginity. No, I wasn't raped, but I sure felt taken advantage of. I felt disgusted with myself and I felt dirty.

I wake up the next morning and pray it was just a bad nightmare, but I turn over and he's still there, asleep. I jump up, ignoring my pounding head and get dressed. I wanted so badly to get him out of my apartment. It haunts me that he treated that morning like no big deal. Maybe because to him, it wasn't. He had done this with many other girls and I was no different. "Make sure she won't tell, and move on" I'm sure were the thoughts in his head. But he didn't get it. I didn't want people to know I'd given up my virginity and it wasn't even MY choice.

It was my choice to invite him out with me. It was my choice to drink more than I should of. It was my choice to let him stay at my apartment, in my room. It was my choice to kiss him and let him feel me up. But it was never my intention to have sex with him. I just remember feeling pain and realizing what was happening and saying, "No, I don't want to". And he stopped. He didn't question it, he didn't try to convince me otherwise. He just stopped. But it had already happened. I had made choices that led me to this situation. And I felt gross.

I'd waited 20 years. I'd said "no" to guys that I cared about. I'd ended relationships and got dumped because I wasn't willing to give away that part of myself. In one night, it felt like it all went to crap. Because of one mistake. Because I had made choice after choice that led a drunk man to my room and ultimately to my bed.

As days passed, I tried so desperately to get the image out of my head. I wanted to forget that night. I wanted to rewind and do it all over again. But I couldn't, and that left me feeling more depressed than I'd like to admit.

Friends tried to talk me up. They tried to tell me that it was okay, and this one mistake didn't define me. But no matter what they said the grime and dirt didn't leave me.

Until one day, it did. Until one day, I left the past in past. I left the guy who had taken advantage of the situation in the dust, where he belonged. I remembered who I was. I was strong and independent and that night didn't define me. Because even though it happened, it wasn't REAL. It wasn't what I had saved myself for. He wasn't the man that deserved the most vulnerable piece of me. So I walked away. I walked away from the images in my head, the thoughts crowding my sleepless nights, and the grime that had invaded my body.

I walked away because in the end no guy can destroy what us girls have built up. No guy can define who we are and what choices we make. WE do that. We choose who we are and how we will react to mistakes. I chose to walk away. I chose to be the girl that learns from the mistake I made. Will you?