Yes, I’m speaking to you; the one that took me on a ride through the gates of Hell. The one that tried to ruin my life.
The first thing I want to do is curse the person you are for destroying me from the inside out, but that would do me no good. You were fully aware of your actions and turned my devotion to you against myself.
Because of you, I lost everything important to me. The morals I was taught and respectfully valued are now gone with the wind. Because of you, I became a monster.
When you walked into my life, I should’ve known you would bring me trouble because almost immediately, I had to leave my job.
But I should’ve left you, instead.
I wish you could feel the insubordination I felt; the frustration of knowing the truth, but being lied to instead. I wish you could feel the same helplessness and fear of being alone that I felt; the undying sense of not being wanted, but trying harder anyway.
You fooled me into thinking I was the root of every problem. You tricked me into thinking I was the one that needed help. You convinced me to think it was okay to take those pills. But it wasn’t.
And I should’ve been stronger than that.
You are the only one I would wish the five senses of drug detoxification on.
The taste of nothing while eating your favorite comfort meal. The sound of your own voice inside your head screaming for someone to help you. Seeing every second of every day pass by because you developed insomnia and only sleep for a few hours every 2-3 days. The scent of your own cold sweat. The feel of constant tremors.
I want you to feel the pain of regret and utter disappointment, to lose all value and self-worth.
But after you’ve experienced all of those things, I want to thank you.
I want to thank you for giving me an example of what not to be. You showed me the colors of pure evil and I can now use that knowledge to remove all forms of it from my life.
Thank you for bringing me to the lowest point in my life. It’s my firm belief that if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.
Thank you for helping me find out who will always be there for me. No, it was never going to be you, but it was more than I expected.
Thank you for bringing me back into the arms of my loving family. Despite my terrible mistake, they have never loved me an ounce less.
This does not mean that I forgive you. I believe in the word of God, but I also believe that He will never have any use for a poisonous person like you. Your memory used to flood my mind with a fiery and seething hatred. Now, I only feel strength in the highest form.
For the first time since I left you, I no longer feel that I am the failure. You are. For the first time since I left you, I don’t fear saying, “I win”. Because I did win.
Every day without you makes me the winner.
