I wanted to be honest with you from the get-go. I didn’t want you to think I was holding back because my feelings towards you weren’t real or I was leading you on in some way.
At the point in my life when I met you, I had never had this conversation with a guy before and I never will again. But I told you because just saying no wasn’t an option.
Every ounce of my being wanted you, and my virginity was the only thing keeping me together.
My choice to stay a virgin was simple in my mind. While it was something I was waiting to lose until the “right” moment came around, I wasn’t waiting for forever. I simply just wanted someone to prove that my boundaries could be accepted.
And you did that.
I was so close to giving you what you wanted; what I wanted. You had proved to me in one night that you were different than the others. You didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do and when I said “too far,” you took a step back.
That’s all I wanted. I wasn’t waiting for marriage; I wasn’t waiting for a solidified relationship. I just wanted respect.
I had my reasons over the years as to why losing my virginity wasn’t important. For me, it was one of the only things in my life that I felt like I had control of. This was my choice, my body and I wanted to keep it that way until I felt secure.
I also wasn’t in a place where I felt like I could give myself to dating someone. I had a lot of things on my plate and it wouldn’t have been fair to whoever I was dating. Hence, why I never wanted to lead guys on and so my virginity stayed.
All of that on top of my family’ beliefs, created a mindset that put sex on the backburner of my life. I didn’t find it important to even dwell upon it.
But finally, I found myself in a position where many of these reasons weren’t the case anymore. I never let any guy in until I graduated college and really moved out on my own. Where I had more control over my life than I’ve ever had.
Which is when I slowly started dipping my foot into this whole dating scene, and when I met you.
I guess I never got this through to you.
Because you clearly didn’t know how to handle it. And to find out months later all these problems were caused by a simple comment about not know how to deal with my virginity, hurt me more than it probably should have.
I try to tell myself that this wasn’t the reason as to why you closed me off for a while. Or why you came back was because you knew I wasn’t one anymore.
I wish I knew what was going on in your mind. I wish the world worked in a way where you could just be completely open and honest with someone
I hate having questions and being confused, but I know it’ll stay that way. And I know that with each day that confusion and frustration will melt away just a little bit more.
I’m not mad at you, I never was. I just wished you had seen this as something more than a problem or a dilemma. I wish you had seen me and figured we could get through it together.
Because then maybe things would have been a little different.
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