It seems to crazy to me, that after all this time has passed, and you haven't been in my life, for some reason, I still can't get you out of my head.
You used to be my last thought during the wee hours at night, before I closed my eyes, and my first thought in the morning when I awoke from that type of sleep that had me dreaming of our future.
I went days, weeks, and even months waiting for you, waiting for a phone call that would only last about a minute, waiting for a text to just remind me, that despite our distance, you still loved me, waiting for that letter in the mail, with the American Flag stamp and your chicken scratch handwriting.
It was you that had me thinking my dating days were long over, because then, and sadly now, you're the only person I want, but more specifically, you are the only person I can imagine myself with.
There was something special about the relationship we had. Matter of fact, our relationship helped me understand why everyone before you never worked out in my favor, and now, our relationship has created a mold for any relationship from here on out.
Except there is a problem, you don't come with that mold. This article isn't for you to read, and feel guilty for breaking my heart, but rather for you to read and understand, that when I say I still love you, I mean it.
1. I want to thank you. I want to thank you for not only being my boyfriend, but for being a role model and for being my best friend.
You set an example for how any guy should treat a girl on a daily basis. You were never less than respectful, you never showed me anything but pure love, and you made me a stronger person overall.
All the time I had to go without you, made my time with you the most special. Let's just say, you taught me a valuable life lesson: don't take time or people for granted, because one day, you're going to wake up, and they won't be there anymore.
2. Every little thing is going to be alright. Bob Marley has no doubt been helping me through my days. This has turned into my life motto. God throws the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
There was the day, where I considered you my soldier, so strong that I could lean on you with my biggest problems, and somehow, you never failed to make me feel like every little thing was going to be alright, even 150 miles away.
Now, I need to take the courage you provided me, steal some of your bravery, and when things get tough, I remind myself of Bob Marley's wise words, and tell myself, "I've gone through more challenging times, I am a strong soldier, and I will be alright."
3. You were my biggest supporter. In everything I did, you were always the backbone. Most of the time, you couldn't physically be there, but you never failed to make it known that you were thinking about me.
First, it was studying for finals Junior year, then it was volleyball games, especially senior night, after that it was the SAT's that I fought tooth and nail to not take, then it was travel volleyball, sadly your support was the greatest after losing a wonderful lady that was considered my second mother, after that it was getting a job, and then more recently it was choosing a college, but this is where it stopped.
Looking into the crowd at graduation and not having you there was a harder experience than you could imagine, move in day at college was depressing, and of course, seeing you while I'm working over my college break wasn't a walk in the park.
But this is where 'thank you' comes back into play, thank you for making me realize that I can be my own backbone.
4. I'm Sorry. I'm not sorry for not being enough for you, because I am who I am, and now, thanks to you, I know my worth. But, I am sorry that things couldn't have worked out as planned.
All the 3 A.M conversations planning our future just hit rock bottom. I get it, plans change, things happen, but even better, people change.
By the end of our relationship, of course I was still in love with the same guy, but according to you, we were in different spots in our lives, and I'm sorry you felt that way. You changed, and that's okay.
5. Always & Forever. When I said it, I meant it. I vividly remember small details throughout our relationship, ones that generally go unnoticed, I'll never forget how we met, our countless gym dates, or Moe's and Menchie's on Monday's, P.F. Changs was always a hot spot, matter of fact, this is where we went on our 1 year anniversary, Crossgates Mall seemed to be a second home for us, the nights we would spend in the hot tub talking about anything and everything, the endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Law and Order: SVU, the times I struggled keeping my eyes open to hang out with you and your dad while you watched It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, your family get-togethers, and of course the amazing food that came along with these get-togethers, your love for your motorcycle, summer boat rides, and shortly after all this is when I made a surprise trip to visit you, and shortly after that is when you were gone.
This doesn't even do justice for all the memories I can rattle off, but instead this is just a non-detailed timeline of the things I could never forget.
Love isn't about waiting for someone to walk back into your life, because I know that isn't an option, or an opportunity I'll ever have again.
But love is watching someone from the outside be happy, and not necessarily being okay with them being gone, but accepting it.
You know you love someone when you can see them with someone else, and through all the pain that it causes, you can say to yourself and more powerfully to the one you love, "I'm happy that you're happy."
