I hate days like today because I can't stop thinking about you. It's one of those days where everything reminds me of you and I hate it.
I hate that I miss talking to you and having you there, that when I felt low and my light was dimming, you were the only person close enough to me to notice.
I miss being able to just come to you and cry about anything and nothing at all… and have you gather me up in your arms.
I just want to feel the chills I got when you'd pull me close and hold me again.
Days like today I just want to text you, I want to run to you, I want things to go back to how they used to be.
But I know this feeling isn't real. I know deep down I don't actually miss you because then I'd be missing the times I try to forget.
Like the cuddles on the couch where you were always on your phone or complaining about work. Or the moments I was just happy to be with you and I'd poke you and you'd get angry because I messed up your concentration with the game you were playing.
I wasn't the happiest I could be with you, but when I was sad you wouldn't leave my side. You'd sit there, listen, and wipe away my tears.
You'd speak to me in this tone that made me believe that together we could overcome anything. I think that's part of the reason I want you when I'm sad.
You seemed to make the sadness go away.
But you were also the cause of some of my sadness, and I forget to remember that sometimes.
It's hard to realize that someone can make you so incandescently happy, that even the mere thought of them can make you smile.
But then when you're with them and they don't even look at you, it taps at your heart. As if you've got a perfectly pristine heart and then with each sense of neglect or resentment it's as if a rock comes flying at you and creates a crack in your heart.
Eventually, you've created so many cracks that you can barely see straight. I think that's what happened with me, I was too scared that my heart was going to shatter that I just walked away.
But now you're gone and my heart feels like it's shattering anyway. And I don't have you to comfort me and make me believe that everything is going to be ok.
I wish things were different. But they aren't.
I need you to know I'm not going to text you, I'm not going to reach for you, I'm not going to lean on you.
I can't.
I think I'll always miss you, and I know I'll always love you. But I need to learn to not miss you and not love you on days like today.
I hate days like today, where everything reminds me of you. Because what I need to remember is it took everything in me to walk away from you.
But I did, and I'm proud of myself for that.
But today? Yeah, it still sucks.
