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Too Hard, Too fast

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“I fall too fast, crash too hard, forgive too easily, and care too much”. – Unknown

Personally, I know when I want to be with someone. I don’t make my choices lightly.  When I meet a guy that can keep up with me intellectually, is funny but serious at the same time, sensitive but not too much, and wanting to actually be there for the hard times… that’s my guy. That’s who I want on my side, and I let him get away. More like I pushed him away. I got scared because we’ve only known each other a few weeks and how well can you really know someone and what their intentions are in the first few weeks? Especially if you’ve been through hell and back with past boyfriends. 

So, where do you go from here? 

I am a habitual self destructive person and when anything good comes into my life, I tend to end up destroying it one way or another. I haven’t had a lot of “good people” in my life growing up and my first instinct is to push people away, or do something that will push them away… which is what I did in this case and regret more than anything. 

We’ve only known each other a few weeks, but to me at least it feels like a lot longer. He’s heard my struggles and I’ve heard his. We’ve laughed together, had intimate conversations, and just generally been there for one another for whatever we are dealing with. And then I fucked it all up.

I can’t begin to explain why, because truth be told I don’t even know why. I guess it was the fact that my most recent relationship was extremely abusive (didn’t start out that way) and I was scared of falling for someone. I felt like I deserved to be alone. Everything that my ex instilled in me when he was beating the shit out of me just came back. I wasn’t worthy of anyone, I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cared about me, I didn’t deserve to be happy. 

The truth is, you deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that is worthy of you and appreciates everything you have to offer them. You deserve a happy relationship. Don’t let one jerk in your life determine your future relationships, because you might end up where I’m at right now and let me tell you, it’s not fun. Feeling like you ruined something that could have been amazing is not a place you want to be in. 

So, trust your gut. Don’t go off of past experiences, because all men are not created equal. There are bad ones out there, but trust me there are good ones as well and if you find a good one you need to fight as hard as possible to hold onto him. 


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