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Typical New Year's Resolutions and Why They Suck

New Year = New Me!

Except not because let’s face it – 90% of the resolutions made on December 31st are a crock of shit.  The “new” you is going to be just as big of a liar (or ‘failure’ so to speak) as you were last year at this time.  People who say otherwise can go suck a dick because that’s literally what your exclamations of “OMG not true!” sound like to me – wordless mumbling.

I fully admit that some people, and I do just mean a few, use the New Year correctly.  Some people really do need the New Year to hold themselves accountable with a starting time.  Most of you “New Year, New Me” people, however, just use NYE to brag on social media how great the past year was and how the next year is going to be SO much better because you’ll be doing A, B, and C. 

Fuck off.

Your NYE resolutions most likely aren’t going to work and here’s why:

1. I’m going to start going to the gym/eating healthier.

This. Drives. Me. Nuts.  I will punch each of you in the face.  You want to work out or start eating healthier? Just go fucking do it.  The New Year isn’t going to make it any easier/less tempting for you.  It’s a FACT (I’m pretty sure anyways) that the majority of people who have this as their resolution fail.  Dude. Just eat an apple instead of a whole bag of chips.  Baby steps.  If you go full-force then I can guarantee you’ll get overwhelmed and quit because if you had the power to do all of this you would already be able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. 

2. I’m going to fall in love.

Right.  You can totally just plan on falling in love.  You can schedule it in right between your bikini wax and highlight on the third Tuesday of March. NEXT!

3. I’m going to be a better person.

Wow.  You must really be an asshole if you become a worse person at the end of a year.  I feel like only really goodie-two-shoes make this resolution. “I’m going to go save baby giraffes in Africa,” or “I’m going to knit for the homeless.”  Like, ok.  That is really nice of you, but you probably already do that anyways.  I mean, I suppose by people realizing they need to become a better person that means they’ve taken a step in the right direction?  Whatever. You suck and chose a generic fortune cookie resolution. If you’re going to lie abot a NYE resolution at least make it a good one like – I’m going to bungee jump off of a bridge.

4. I’m going to be more spontaneous.

Making a New Year’s resolution about being more spontaneous is the least spontaneous thing you could do. Just stop.  I’m sorry, but you will probably always be the person that needs to follow a schedule and make plans in advance.  You’ll also probably be asleep (or stone-cold sober) by the time the ball drops. Look out world…

5. I’m going to travel more.

Ok, this one I admit is slightly more possible, but only if you are really good at organizing and saving money.  I think it’s cheating though to say you’re going to travel more if you already have a trip planned for the new year, so if you’re this person – you probably cheat at cards, too.  A lot of 20-somethings make this resolution and I don’t know about y’all, but as a 20-something I sure as hell don’t have a lot of money.  There’s grad school (yay more student loans!), maybe you just got married/are having a baby (weddings and babies aren’t cheap so I’ve been told), and vacation days are just difficult to build up.  I guess this isn’t really an improbably resolution, I just hate all of you that can actually afford/have the time to travel.