I haven’t been happy in awhile. I smile and pretend I am because it is just easier.
I go to work and listen to everyone else’s problems and find myself tuning them out because I start thinking about mine.
And I bottled it all up until I finally exploded through tears.
I cried because I am angry at myself for not being the person I thought I would always be.
Because I always thought there would be more to my life than what there is… because I can only be strong for so long before I break.
I looked at myself and my only thought was “Shit. This is me now.” So I cried even more.
My plan in life and how my life turned out… well, let’s say they didn’t match in any way.
I always have great ideas and I want to do so much but nothing ever turns out like I thought it would.
And then I start getting stressed and that turns into depression, which leads to me just not wanting to even follow through with the idea.
My problem is I am a dreamer. I can always come up with an idea but that is as far as it goes.
So, I cried.
And it’s okay that I cried. It’s okay that I feel sorry for myself.
The reason it is okay is because just because I cried today doesn’t mean I will cry every day.
It doesn’t mean I will feel sorry for myself every day or that this is how I will continue to live my life.
It just means today was a bad day and tomorrow I will get up and I will deal with the dogs and I will sit down and make another list of things I want to get done.
Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I may cry and that is okay too. Just as long as I keep going and I keep trying.