I have this horrible habit. It's one that I've tried to break countless times, but my insecurities always seem to get the better of me and it happens again.
Things are going great, I'm happy and feel over the moon. Then one little thing is said or done that makes me question everything. I feel vulnerable and scared.
I get upset and pick an argument over something, usually completely unrelated to what made me scared in the first place.
How frustrating it must be for you, I do realize that. But please know, that when I push you away, that's when I desperately need you to pull me closer to you.
I know it's not fair.
I spent years being made to feel like my feelings were invalid. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what was wrong or what had bothered me, and I learned to shut down when those feelings emerged.
Self preservation made me learn that I needed to pull away, because it didn't matter that it felt like I was dangling over a precipice, with no one to catch me if I fell.
When I'm driving you absolutely crazy and you're wondering what the hell I am even talking about, that's when I need you to be there for me.
Please, don't let me fall into the black hole of insecurities and overwhelming emotions.
I don't mean to put you through a test, that's not my intention at all. Deep down inside I know that you care about me and that you're there for me.
But that little voice inside my head sometimes supersedes my logical brain, and the pain of the past roars its ugly head, telling me I'm not good enough.
So I pull away. I do and say things that make no sense to you, and annoy you. I hope against hope that you see past the curtain, and when you don't, I feel ever more so that you don't care and that I'm not worthy of the extra effort that it takes to be with me.
I want you to make me feel safe. I want you to see past the bullshit, tell me that I'm being silly and that I should stop, because you care about me.
I want you to call me even when you think I don't want to talk, and let me know that you're still thinking about me. I need you to let me know that you're there.
I promise that I'll get better, and as I begin to feel safer with you, these moments will become less and less until I simply don't question things anymore.
But until then, please, be patient with me. There are still things inside of me that are broken, and I know if anyone understands that at the end of the day it is you.
All of it is worth it, it really is. Even broken and frustrating, I am one hell of a woman that has so much to give.
If you show me love and kindness, even what it's hard to do so, I will pay you back in ways you never thought possible. I will move mountains for you when I regain my footing on that ledge of fear.
I will also give you back everything you've given me.
When it's your turn to enter that dark recess within your own mind, I'll be there to hold your hand and help lead you out. I'll shine the light that let's you know that you're not alone; I'm there and I care.
