I couldn't get the dull familiar taste from my mouth. Life was a wash, rinse, repeat cycle, and I became so tired of the routine I had. The people I knew. The clothes I wore. The place I lived. I needed out.
I realized the base of all my problems was that I wasn't changing anything in my life.
Everything bad in my life, came from the things that I anchored myself to. I thought that those things were holding me safe, but my comfort zone was infested with toxic people. It was like tar in my veins, with a straight shot to my heart.
I began to let everything that I had slip away. The initial sadness knocked at the walls of my heart, but I refused to let the loss consume me. After all, this was my choice.
As I let go of the man that didn't choose me, I learned to choose myself. The sadness crippled me, and the thought of being without him made me scream until my lungs were raw.
But I learned to sleep in the middle of the bed and accustomed myself to making just enough coffee for myself.
As I lost my best friend, it knocked the wind right out of me. I wondered how being all alone would make me feel better. But as I cut the ties, I felt free. There was nothing to hold me back.
My roots were planted in myself, and I could grow where I wanted. Seeing as though I was losing everything in life, it should have sent me over the edge, but instead, it made me realize how much I wanted to live.
Waking up every morning, I could be someone new, and no one was around to tell me I wasn't myself any longer. I didn't feel the stress of trying to keep up with everyone else. I no longer felt the pinging guilt of feeling like a bad friend or girlfriend.
My worries lifted, and I had time to do the things I wanted. I went hiking on my own. No opinions contradicted mine. I put my phone down and started reading. Cooking.
I tried new things, and met new people and reinvented myself to who I wanted to be. Life is not concrete. I realized that in order to believe I did everything I could to save myself, I had to do just that.
If you're tired of nothing getting better, leave it all behind. Quit the job that makes you miserable, let go of the man that doesn't respect you, and walk away from the friends who seem to be a job more than a friendship.
You are not stuck in any decision you made a prior commitment to. There are ways out of something that is dragging you down. There are possibilities out there, so don't let your past pave your path.
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