I want to fall in love. When I say that, I simply mean that I want to fall in love with myself. It’s been twenty-something years and it’s not that I’m unhappy, I just can’t help but wonder if there’s better out there. I mean, given my life has been a literal mess for twenty-something years, there definitely has to be. Right?
I’ve gone from single, to very taken, to broken up with and miserable, then back to single and killin’ it more times than I can count. As for right now, I’ve been single for quite a while and honestly for a while I was terrified of being alone.
Who wants to be all by themselves in life? It can be super scary and yet I’m also learning it can also be the absolute best thing ever. It gives me time to take a good look at myself and think about what I’m doing with my life if I’ve been making the right choices.
It takes time to get to the point where you can look in the mirror and accept what is and what isn’t. I can’t say I am at that point yet, however, I do know I will eventually get there.
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and what I stand for, and honestly, it’s all a bit blurry.
I’ve said and done things I’m not proud of, I’ve acted in ways I would’ve never imagined. I think back about conversations I’ve had and I wonder who the hell I thought I was. I even look back at pictures and wonder why I thought I looked good when I so clearly needed to go home and change. I strive to be in the best shape of my life, to feel good about myself and to look in the mirror and say, “I did this for me” but damn, it’s hard.
I don’t want to overthink whether my laugh is too loud or if I don’t look as skinny as those other girls do. I don’t want to constantly worry about people liking me or hating me or giving too many fucks what people think. But I do. I’m twenty-something and yes, I still worry about those things.
I have battled through some of my darkest days and lived it up on some of my brightest and thus, I’m still standing, pushing myself, forever trying so hard.
I don’t always feel as if I am strong, there are many days I feel extremely weak, but I am determined to prove myself otherwise. Life can completely turn upside down when a big event takes place. Everything can suddenly spiral out of control at the drop of a pin way before you even realize it. I never fully understood the expression, “life will throw you curves but you learn to swerve” until this year.
That’s why I wish I could just start over and reinvent myself. It took me way too long to realize that just because a relationship ends, or you move to a new place, or start a new job doesn’t mean the world stops spinning.
Because the truth is, everyone continues on with their lives and life keeps on going. You’re forced to relearn your “new normal” while everyone around you just continues on with their lives as if nothing happened. It sucks, a lot, but that’s just how it is and I’m still learning how to accept that.
Honestly, I’m still learning how to accept a lot of things, so I can’t help but wonder if I got a second chance, if I’d reach that point of acceptance sooner. If I could redo my twenties I’d make a million different choices and be an even better me.
But that’s not an option, is it? I’ll just have to work with what I got. I need to completely and truly accept what is and keep on, keeping on. And actually, this hot mess of a twenty-something I turned out to be ain’t half bad.
I’m learning to love her, I’m learning to find reasons to keep fighting, I’m learning to “swerve.” That’s why it’s okay to be twenty-something and want to start over because it gives you that many more reasons to take a good look at yourself love every ounce of who you are.
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