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Yes, He Will Do It Again

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“He said he was sorry. He’s just been under a lot of stress and pressure lately and he snapped, everyone snaps at one point in time right? It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have been pushing him, and I was too pushy. That’s not who he is I swear, he’s a good man and he really cares about me. He promised he wouldn’t do it again…”

Yes, yes he will do it again. He will do it again, and he will keep doing it. 

The first time he ever hurt me, I said those exact words to my best friend. After running around in circles trying to wrap my head around what just happened, my fear of losing the one I love became real, and my desperation to find an answer as to why the guy I thought I knew and loved turned out to be a stranger intensified. I searched for an explanation, and what I told my best friend that day was the best explanation I could come up with. 

 I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My whole world came toppling down and I felt like I was living a lie. I couldn’t understand, I didn’t understand how it had come to this. If you really loved someone how could you hurt them? If he really loved me, how could he hurt me? How could he do that to me? Every fiber within me wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hate him because in reality, every fiber within me loved him. I thought I needed him to breathe, and to me, he was my reason for living. Without him in my life, would all of this be worth it? In my mind, I didn’t think it would be. 

I was more scared of being alone and feeling unloved than staying with him. Eventually, I convinced myself that he really wouldn’t do it again. I truly believed what happened was an isolated incident, and that after that, he’d never lay his hands on me ever again. It didn’t take long for him to prove me wrong. The worst part is that after it happened for the second time, I STILL thought that it wouldn’t happen again. I continued to be with him, and I went so far as to hide the other incidents from my best friend and family because I didn’t want anything getting in the way of our “love.” I lived with it, and I tried to live with myself. 

I blamed myself for it too. I thought that every time he hurt me, I somehow deserved it. When he would scream and yell, I was the cause, and anytime he hurt me, it was because I pushed him too much, I was too much for him. In my mind, he was still this amazing guy, who I ruined. He hurt me, and somehow it was all my fault. 

To this day when I think back, sometimes I still feel like it was my fault. Sometimes I still believe that he was a good person who I turned bad. I still blame myself. 

That’s not okay. 

Time has passed, and it has gotten easier to trust, but I know I’ll never fully recover. A huge part of me thinks back to the first time, and how things would’ve turned out if I left. Another part of me thinks about what would’ve happened if after the second time, I told someone. A third part of me wonders what my life would be like if we were still in “love.” The one thing I never question anymore though is if there would’ve been a fourth or fifth time…because I know there would’ve been. I know he would’ve done it again. 


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