I could never understand why..
but now I do.
You needed change. Constantly. You always needed something different, something new. Something bigger and better. You were always searching for the best, the most valuable thing in every sense. You were always looking for something that was better than what you already have, you were always looking for something that would light a fire in you. I never understood. I never got it. I could not even begin to fathom why you could never just be satisfied and thankful for what you have.. and now I do.
It's currently 4am and I just had a dream.. well, more like nightmare.. about you. This doesn't happen very often anymore, however this specific night, I'm glad it did.
Because this time, it lit a light bulb. My wheels started turning and kicked into high gear. Because right now, at 4:06am, I finally get it.
You always needed something to keep your mind entertained. You always needed another compliment or pick up line. You always needed something that was going to deflect your mind in the direction of self assurance or self worth. You always needed another person to be telling you how "amazing" you are.. why? Because you are so insecure on your own that you have made your happiness dependent on those whom see your outer mask.
Let's face it, you treat people like shit. Your friends, family, significant others, hell.. even your co-workers. You treat people badly in general, and I didn't understand that either. I did not get how you could be such a heartless human being.. Now I realize that's not the case.
This is what it is — you feel so badly and you view yourself so lowly that you feel the need to pull others down to your level. I honestly do believe it's unintentional, I think deep down maybe you're more human than a "heartless robot." But you don't see yourself as much more than that, and that is just another reason as to why you always need change so badly.
Because that change pulled you into a high. It gave you the fix you needed. It keeps your mind occupied and turning. It keeps you from remembering how insecure you truly can be. It keeps your mind so busy that nothing else is going on but that new fix. For a few days.
But then, you come down from cloud 9, feel the insecurity, and go back to looking for something new. Something fresh. Something you haven't tasted before, or for awhile. You go back to searching for that high that you can only get from anything but yourself. You search for the new, the better, the best. You find it, get your high, then come back to reality.
I never understood how or why you always needed more. I never got why change was always a necessity. But I do now. Finally after sleepless nights of wondering and countless days of confusion, I get it.
It's not that nothing is enough, you've actually been given more than enough. You were literally handed a well-paying job, a nice home, good friends and family.. you were given 99% of things that others must work for. But it wasn't good enough for you, you couldn't truly be satisfied because what you really needed and still do need, is a sense of self love and inner security.
Maybe that's a surprise to you, honestly I don't think you realize why you do the things that you do, and that's okay. I understand not everyone has it all figured out, but I finally do. Well, most of it.
I finally figured out why you are so unappreciative and needy. I figured it out because I had to sit here for months wondering why you needed everything and everyone, received what you wanted, but were never truly happy.
But please, don't feel bad. Don't apologize. I am understanding more about todays human population more than I ever have due to your lack of self love. I've actually grown to have more self love than ever by watching you lose yours. There are too many people out there like you and I never want to be one of them.
But I do hope you figure it out, and I do truly hope one day you can learn to be content and satisfied on your own, without the girls and constant changes in your life. I hope you grow and prosper and learn to live complacently and with bliss.
