in

You stopped trying, so i did too

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In the beginning we were inseparable. We ate together, worked together. Texted all day and called. I’d stay at your house sometimes. We’d stay up til 5 am watching twilight. Those are the good memories.

A few months later I got pregnant, and you were so happy. But at that moment something changed in you. Something I hoped to never experience myself. 

You know, you hear certain friends talk about how controlling their significant others have become. The bad type of controlling. The type that makes you feel a little like you’re the crazy one.

You wanted to isolate me, you wanted me home 24/7 even when you were not there. Between playing your precious video games to sleeping all day until it was time for you to go to work. You wanted me to feel lonely so that my need for you became greater. You tried to convince me that everyone else, friends and family where just out to get me, and that all they were doing was putting sh*t in my head to turn me against you.

But deep down I knew better than that. Most of the time I was too in love to see it. 

After our sweet little girl arrived I still felt crazy. I felt lonely and neglected. You would tell me “I love her more than you.”

How could you say that to the woman who gave you the one thing you wanted more than anything? 

I would cry myself to sleep sometimes, while you were too busy to come to bed and sleep next to me. Too busy to help change diapers or feed her or bathe her. 

I did everything but somehow after I stopped giving a f*ck about you anymore I’m the bad guy I’m the one that screwed up. I did screw up but after everything you have put me through,  I won’t apologize. I’m Because that’s what you want. I’m not sorry.

That’s all you ever wanted was to make somebody else weaker than you. Guess what? You didn’t win. 

When our marriage was coming to an end I really couldn’t stand you anymore. When we were apart I could see so clearly. I knew what I needed to do. But when I was with you I was like a deer in headlights. 

You did something to me. I don’t know how to explain it but congratulations you got into my head. Bavo! Somehow you made me feel like a person who belonged in a psych ward. You had my mind wrapped around your finger. I second guessed every move I made. 

Some how my mind felt the need to suppress all the bad memories. So I’d forgive you until your next outrage. And then you would act like nothing happened and you told me I had no right to be angry. My feelings were not valid. 

They never were. 

 I don’t know if I will ever fully recover. I know the scars will always remain. But I loved you and all you did was cut me up into bits because you liked the idea of love. 

As of right now, I don’t forgive you. One day I will. But not right now. 


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