There are so many reasons in life why someone would leave this earth. There is so much more than just the light fading out of your eyes and your body coming to a final resting moment. Death is inveitable in life and we are taught that from a young age. But your death left me haunted for the rest of my life.
I wish I could have five more minutes with you. Each and every one of you. I would give anything in the world to spend one more day with you. Just one more hour of your time before you have to go away and be phycially away from me for the rest of the time I have here.
What I have learned from each of your deaths is that each one is different, each one is hard to deal with, and time never heals the wounds left on my heart. When I was a child death didn’t seem so hard. Standing next to my family as they cried over someone who I felt like I barley knew. I don’t think I truley understood what pain was until I lost my first friend to a car accident. Then it became real what love was.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was going to hang out with you the next day. I got the call early in the morning from my boyfriend at the time telling me there had been a car accident and you were killed. At first I thought it was a really sick joke he was playing on me. I froze. Numbness took over my body as I stood there saying no, no that can’t be true. I cried and sank to the floor.
My mother grabbed me off the ground, she didn’t know what the words over the phone had said. I cried for hours, days, weeks. To be honest, I still cry. You were my friend. I became a better and more driven person because you believed in my dreams. I hoped that you would be my friend for the rest of my life. I stood there at your funeral, looking down on your face not understanding how this could have happened. I didn’t open up to crying that day until they showed a photo of you on a horse on the photos playing. That was our bond and it stung like a crack of lightening to my heart.
I still go to your grave when I come home. I sit with my back against your headstone talking to you like a crazy person. You couldn’t have a better resting place. In a field surrounded by woods. To be honest its beautiful there. I always seems to play the same song over and over again when I drive away. “Saving Amy” by Brantley Gilbert. Weeks turning into months, months turned into years. And yet still to this day your death haunts me like it was yesterday. Pain and fear that I would become close to someone and they would get stolen away from me.
Time passed and another friend left me in the most selfish way possible. I remember that time to. I texted you that morning asking if you were coming to work. A little while later someone told me you had killed yourself. I remember hearing the words but not hearing them at the same time. I dropped to the floor in shock and thankfully someone caught me.
You were my friend. Like a father to me. Yet here you were leaving life and us behind. You said you couldn’t live with your demons anymore, but what about me? What about the demons I have to live with? The fact that I was the last person you got a text from. Living with the guilt and regret. I should have called. I should have stopped by that moring. I should have done more. You left me with that. I am sorry you thought life was so hard and trust me I know now that it is. I wish so often that I could get advise from you like we use to do. I wish I could call you up and listen to your thoughts about the person I’m dating or what I am doing with my life. Weeks turning into months, months turned into years. I wish you were here because the regret haunts me.
Grandma, you were the hardest to lose. We had been the closest for the longest time. It was like losing a part of me. I knew this day would come and maybe that is what made it the hardest. I saw it coming for so long and yet I hadn’t prepared myself for losing you. I remember every detail. The moment we said our good-byes before they pronounced you dead. I remember them taking your body out and not seeing you again until the funeral. It was horrible. Standing there next to you with mom listening to people saying how “sorry they were for our loss” and saying their good-byes.
I didn’t really hear anything they said to me because I kept looking over my shoulder at you. I was hoping this was a joke and that you would yell “got yeah”, that didn’t happen. I cried as they spoke about you and I stood by mom and grandpa because you gave me the strenght needed to do that. I cried alone, in front of others, and still am now. Your death haunts me because I wasn’t ready for good-bye.
Death isn’t easy. Pain doesn’t heal with time. It haunts you like an unforgiving friend. Peace comes in time though. Knowing I will see you again and that you are no longer in pain physical or mental. I will forever love you but I will always be haunted.