There are some things that an apology can never fix. There are some things that are never even fixable.
You broke me completely. You showed no mercy while you were tearing my heart to shred and beating my soul. You showed no compassion as you left me aching for months.
As soon as you left, you were gone and despite the efforts that I made in attempts to try and find you, you would remain lost until you wanted to be found except, I didn’t find you, you found me.
You appeared so unexpectedly. I had no warning. There was no foreshadowing to indicate that you would ever come back and when you did, it’s as if all of the air in me was gone.
It took a little while for me to loosen up and talk to you again, but what did you expect? You were begging for a place in the life of a girl you had tortured and tormented simply because you found some sort of joy in it.
You seemed like a different person now. You seemed strong, smarter, more caring and equipped to handle the love someone some day would give to you.
I took note of every sign that you omitted and kept it tucked away in my mind until I decided that I wanted to really analyze it after seeing what you came back for.
You claimed love and heartache. You claimed to miss what used to be. You claimed to miss me and my good heart, something that you never had while with me.
This left me feeling so confused and unsure of what I would do. On one hand, I loved you despite how terrible you treated me, but on the other, I swore that I would never put myself through that that kind of hell again.
Thinking that someone has changed is a lot different than someone actually having changed.
Every single part of me wanted to believe that the change was real, but I couldn’t let you off that easy.
Weeks went by and I thought more in that span of time than ever. I came to a few realizations during that time.
Your words and your actions completely contradict themselves.
They always have, but it was so different this time because they weren’t coming off as abuse, just simple lack of interest which is something that doesn’t usually happen when someone suddenly appears and professes their love for you.
You didn’t even give me the time of day unless YOU wanted to, or unless it was convenient for you.
It was always about you, very rarely did it ever have to do with me. Very rarely did you ever show any sort of concern for me.
You talked of other women and made me feel inferior. Whether that was your goal or not, it did and it really hurt.
You apologized over and over and over again, but an apology means nothing if you’re not even going to show that you are sorry.
But here is an apology that is genuine: I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you’re such a careless person. I am sorry that you are such a lying manipulator. I am sorry that you are so self-centered. I am so sorry that you are such a small person.
I am sorry that you lost something that you now hopeful realize was very special.
I’m sorry that you now how to live with that regret and the pain that accompanies it, but I have to do what’s best for me and that does not include you.