42 Thoughts From the Mind of Your Bank Account

1. Hey, stranger.

2. I say that ironically.

3. You were here literally five minutes ago.

4. No, there hasn’t been a secret, magic deposit.

5. I’m still hovering around $.34.

6. If you want me to be filled, you’ve gotta work.

7. It’s lonely in here.

8. I wish you would stop living like I was bigger than I am.

9. It stresses me out when you shop like that.

10. You know we don’t have the money for that dress.

11. Hey, look!

12. A deposit.

13. OK, we can do this. Put some of it in savings…

14. No, wait, what are you doing?

15. Put that debit card away!

16. We cannot afford to buy lunch today.

17. That’s why you brought a salad.

18. Stop spending money.

19. Oh, look. I’m empty again.

20. Well done.

21. Wait, why are you still browsing?

22. You know I’m stuck at $3.76.

23. There’s nothing in here for less than $4.

24. What are you doing?

25. Put that Naked drink down.

26. It’s not even that good for you.

27. You’re gonna be homeless if you buy that.

28. Rent is due in two days, remember?

29. You want to stay in your home.

30. It’s a very nice home.

31. Get out of this line right now.

32. Put the food away and go eat your sad salad.

33. You’ll thank me when you have a roof.

34. Stop it.

35. I said stop it.

36. Great. You’re paying.

37. Oh, what do you know?

38. You triggered the overdraft protection.

39. At least now I’m not empty.

40. Just — wait — stop —

41. Oh, crap. A Victoria’s Secret.

42. We’re both screwed.