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16 Things Only Sexually Frustrated People Will Understand

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It’s been awhile since your last hookup. Or you recently broke up with someone, and sex is no longer on the reg. That’s OK. Everyone has a dry spell every now and again.

Just know you’re not alone:

1. Everything makes you horny. Literally, everything.

2. Irritability is an annoyingly recurrent emotion. When you’re not getting it in daily, or even monthly, an anger greater than PMS consumes you.

3. The worst is when you meet someone… Basically plan to hook up and then they cancel on you at the last minute. NOOOO. FOILED AGAIN.

4. You will cancel plans with friends… If it means entering a potential hook up situation instead. Sorry, gang. Booty calls…

5. The Desperado Express is coming around the corner… Oh no. Godspeed, honey.

6. And every creep you see on your way to work suddenly becomes attractive. I will not hook up with Homeless Sam; I will not hook up with Homeless Sam…

7. You can’t stand your friends talking about their hookups. Ugh his dick was just MASSIVE. Just smile, and don’t say a word. It’ll all be over soon.

8. Or worse, when you’re out with friends, and one of them goes home with someone… Not hoping that guy has herpes at all.

9. Eating has become the new sex. Oooh, yeah, Chipotle. I want you inside me.

10. You don’t care about what you look like anymore. No one will f*ck me anyway. Let’s wear these Cheeto-stained sweats to the park today.

11. You take “Netflix and chill??? extremely literally… And it’s a solo activity. Another night…another 10 hours of Friends.

12. Masturbation just won’t cut it anymore… Because you have nothing new to fantasize about since your last great sexcapade. Which was in the goddamn Stone Age.

13. But you still do it anyway, because…orgasms. Hello, Chris Hemsworth. We meet again. *wink*

14. You don’t even want to bother with going out on actual dates… Unless they’re going to end in sex. Yeah, yeah. You’re 27; you went to UMass. Blah, blah. Your place or mine?

15. When you finally do have sex… And it sucks ass, and you see your neighbor just after doing the walk of shame the next day. Oh. Hi, Stu. Ignore my slutty clothes and smudged makeup while you’re tandem biking with your child.

16. Once your frustration is cured… You can go another four and a half months rejuvinated and carefree. And Akon’s autotuned voice sings its proud anthem in your head. I JUST HAD SEEXXXXX. AND IT FELTTTT SO GOOD…


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