We are simple creatures, but we do think. And when it comes to blowjobs, we overthink. Here are 37 thoughts that race through your man’s head… and they’re true.
1. I don’t understand- why we are talking about this? If you’re going to do it, do it. It’s my birthday damn it!
2. I know you’re trying to tease me, but that ‘kissing down my belly’ shit is REALLY ticklish. I’m trying with every ounce of my being to not laugh and push you off of me.
3. She knows she has to touch it, right?
4. That’s attached!
5. I have balls, too you know!
6. Can you spit on your hand- you’re not trying to start a campfire!
7. We know when you’re bored…
8. Can you pretend to enjoy it?
9. Spit or swallow- it doesn’t matter, just KEEP GOING!
10. Sometimes when I groan, it’s not in pleasure…
11. TEETH!
12. Can I touch her head- is she going to smack me…
13. I have definitely seen you stuff burritos in your mouth bigger than my cock, so stop pretending you’re choking.
14. Don’t fart, don’t fart.
15. Boo- you can use your hands- Please for the love of God use your hands, too!
16. Can I touch her butt? Like, how mad would she be if I put my finger up her butt right now?
17. Maybe I want a finger up MY butt… no, that’s weird, right? Weird?
18. Yea, I totally know you have too much saliva on it right now, too. I’ll pretend I don’t see you trying to dry your hand and you pretend it didn’t happen either.
19. Why on God’s green earth are you slowing down???
20. Do you want a hair tie? That’s A LOT of hair in your face. I feel like you’re about to choke on it.
21. Glad I showered today.
22. Does she notice that I shaved? I notice that she didn’t…
23. It sounds like I’m in a washing machine… but on a slow cycle.
24. Holy shit- that’s a hoover! Sucking a golf ball through a garden hose!
25. Do I have to kiss you afterward?
26. I saw you drink that nasty shot at the bar- you can swallow.
27. It’s never going to be like a porno.
28. Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop… You stopped.
29. I like the seductive eye contact.
30. Okay- now you’re just looking at me like I killed your dog.
31. No, now is not the time to stop for a chat.
32. Pulling a pube out of your mouth is not sexy in any way, shape, or form.
33. Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.
34. I’m cumming.
35. I came.
36. Please stop sucking- the well is dry.
37. Sorry, I got it in your hair, but… High five (in my best Borat accent)!
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