The Dominant/submissive lifestyle. Just hearing about it makes most women think of ’50 Shades of Grey’ and all that entails. Of course, like most mainstream media, both the book and movie got a lot of it all wrong.
When getting your kinky on, it’s important to know the difference between breaking out the handcuffs and a belt every now and again, and living in an actual Dominate/submissive (D/s) relationship.
Like all relationships, there are variants of what a D/s relationship looks like. Some prefer it simply in the bedroom, some live it 24/7 with one of the partners being subservient to the other.
This does not mean, however, that the sub is any less valuable than the Dom or that the sub is disrespected. In fact, the D/s relationship relies wholly on the mutual respect of both parties.
So, before you jump into a relationship with a self-professed Dom, make sure he or she is an actual Dominant… and not just an asshole who likes to control everything and has a ’50 Shades of Grey’ obsession.
1. If the Dominant doesn’t show respect – RUN!
A Dominant will push your boundaries and try to open your mind to new things. However, they will never go beyond what you can handle or feel comfortable with. If you voice your opinion on a matter, be it sexual or otherwise, they won’t blow you off.
They will take what you say into consideration and actually listen to you. They show this respect to you because they want your respect in return. It’s the foundation for the entire relationship.
2. Not all D/s relationships entail pain.
There are a lot of Dominant men out there that are also sadists, meaning they like to inflict pain. Just as there are many subs who are masochists, and like to receive it.
However, this isn’t always the case. Most people don’t mind a little hair pulling or back scratching in the heat of the moment, but don’t ever be afraid to use your safe word if you can’t handle it. A true Dom will respect your boundaries.
3. Yes, safe words are real and they should be utilized.
Just make sure to use it sparingly. If you’re using it all the time, either this lifestyle isn’t for you or you haven’t communicated effectively with your Dom before your play session.
4. You should always feel safe with your Dominant.
In order to submit to someone fully, you have to feel comfortable and safe with them. If there is ever a moment where you don’t, stop what you’re doing.
If he calls you a name that makes you nervous, lays a hand on you in a way that doesn’t feel right, or in any way makes you question his motives – run. There is absolutely nothing wrong with self-preservation.
5. Being subservient does not mean giving up who you are.
While your Dom may have opinions on things about your life such as how you dress or the friends you have, if he asks you to change anything fundamental about yourself, he is not a real Dominant.
No man, Dominant or otherwise, should ever be allowed to tell you that you can’t have friends, see your family, or that you need to quit your job. You are your own person, with your own life outside of your relationship. If he expects you to give that up, get the hell away from him!
Trying out new things is always fun and exciting, and the desire to jump in can be strong. But this is a lifestyle that really does involve a lot of respect, trust, and communication.
Do your research before jumping in. Or getting tied up.
