A breakup is always hard on a person who had invested time and effort in a relationship. It can especially difficult in various situations including long-term relationships, where there is cohabitation, and where life decisions have been made and/or changed based on the relationship.
Here are 10 things you need to do post-breakup:
- Assess your needs. Do you need some time alone? Are you carrying pain that you could release by writing a letter, whether or not you deliver it? Is it a good idea to take a day off from work? Can you prevent a nervous breakdown by creating a plan to secure yourself financially? Take a good look at your life and the relationship that just ended. Take the time you need to determine the next best stops for you.
- Secure resources. You don’t have to go it alone, and you don’t have to start from scratch. Make a list of the things you need, both big and small. A place to live, cookware, a bike lock, counselling sessions, a loan of $1,000, and someone to talk to all count. Once you’ve made the list, start thinking about people and organizations you can turn to for help. Start with those closest to you, and work your way out to the more distance connections.
- Talk to a trusted person. Everyone needs support during the aftermath of a breakup. Who can you lean on? Be sure to choose someone who won’t make you feel worse, and steer clear of mutual friends. Don’t put people in a position where they have to choose a side. Look to your family members and long-time friends for support. Be sure to tell them what you want so they don’t give you the opposite. There’s a big difference between a listening ear and a non-stop advice machine. Tell them if you want commiseration or a trash talk session. This will make it easier for them, and more satisfying for you.
- Return their things. You don’t need those old t-shirts, CDs, or cookbooks. If they weren’t given to you, return them to your ex-partner. It will be more difficult to move on if you hold on to symbols of what used to be. You can keep the gift your ex-partner gave you. It’s actually in poor taste to give them back. If you have anything particularly sentimental (like their grandmother’s ring) or lavish (like a brand new luxury vehicle), you may want to hand them over.
- Divide assets. You may need to talk to your ex-partner about the division of jointly-owned assets. You may be thinking, “Wait. We weren’t married or anything,” but this still applies to you. Have you received gifts as a couple? Do you have a joint bank account? Are bills usually paid from your account? These things aren’t fun to talk about, but it’s better to sort it out now that to chase down a person you don’t want to talk to – or who doesn’t want to talk to you – for reimbursement.
- Take some time for yourself. Once you’ve talked it out, created your plan, and put the wheels in motion, give yourself a break. You may not feel like you need it, but you deserve it. This break doesn’t have to be a trip to the Maldive Islands. It could be a weekend at the family cottage, a day at the beach, or a staycation in a local hotel. Take any music, books, notebooks, and art supplies you like. Try to make it an offline retreat for yourself, leaving the electronics (except your ereader, and maybe your cell phone – for emergencies only) behind. Use this time to be with you, get to know you, and fall in love with you, and get used to just you again.
- Commit to time alone. We all know the rebound trope. Don’t do it to yourself, and don’t do it to anyone else. There are sure to be people pushing you to “get back out there” and trying to set you up with the “perfect” match, but resist, resist, resist. Don’t start a new relationship when you’re still dragging baggage from a failed one. The longer your previous relationship lasted, the more you’ve likely changed during that time. You need to get to know yourself again before you allow anyone else to do the same.
- Learn the lesson. There’s a reason things didn’t work out. This experience doesn’t have to be in vain. Think back on the relationship, recall the breakup conversation, and identify the nail in the coffin. Figure out what you don’t want and don’t need in a partner. Envision your ideal relationship. This will help you not to waste your time, or anyone else’s, when you’re back on the dating scene.
- Make social media changes as needed. You may not need to do this, but remember that you can always block and delete people. If you just don’t want to see their activity for now, hide their activity from your Facebook timeline. You don’t have to be subject to interaction you don’t want to have and information you don’t want to know.
- Get excited about the future. Relationships necessitate compromise. What have you given up for the good of your relationship? Do you still want it? Go get it! Make a list of the doors you can knock on, open, and kick down now that you’re only making decisions for yourself. Once you have your list, get going!
