Whether you admit or not, every couple likes to cuddle. It comes with many perks: warmth, safety, a pretty easy transition into sex. But for all the perks, come so many more struggles.
It's mind-boggling that human beings still haven't come up with a solution to any of these cuddle struggles . . . assuming that cuddling has been around as long as human beings, which is a long ass time.
You probably think about these struggles every time you cuddle. It's time for you to find the solutions.
1. When your circulation gets cut off completely. You’ll never feel that arm again.
2. He wants to be the big spoon. But you only last two minutes because it hurts your back. Seriously, how does he do it?
3. Watching television. If you’ve mastered a position that allows both cuddling participants to see the television without breaking their necks, share it with the world and you’ll probably become a billionaire. If you've mastered this position and have kept it a secret, shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.
4. Having hair. It gets caught in his arm. It gets caught in your arm. It gets tangled, pulled, and tortured for this seemingly harmful act of love. By the time you’ve gotten your hair out of its entanglements, you’ve lost a weave-like clump of hair. Or you lost your weave. Which you spent so much time putting in this morning.
5. WHY IS HE ALWAYS SO DAMN HOT? Temperature-wise.
6. But also, why is he always so damn hot? Sex-wise. You cuddle for thirty seconds and all you want to do is sex him. And when you initiate things, he’s like . . .”but I just wanted to literally Netflix and chill.”
7. His dragon breath . It tickles. It's hot (hotter than him), and it smells bad. Or it smells like toothpaste, and somehow that’s kind of worse than bad breath?
8. World War Blanket: no matter how hard to try to share, your better half always ends up with the better half of the blanket. JK, he ends up with the entire blanket.
9. Sweet snores in your ear. This always happens. Be inevitable falls asleep with his arms wrapped around you—more tightly than he thinks. And he begins to VERY LOUDLY snore directly into your ear. This is more damaging to your ear drums than playing music way too loud on headphones. You actually think it might be affecting your brain at this point.
10. He falls asleep, and suddenly you're locked in his Arm Prison of Love. You would wake him up, but you don’t want to be rude. So you live in the loving arm prison until he wakes up. And you don’t really sleep at all.
11. You’re completely restless. You don’t want to be that dick who moves around every couple seconds when your partner is enjoying themselves, peacefully.
12. Your feet are like icicles. And your cuddle bug insists that you a) wear socks or b) try not to touch him with your feetsicles. Because your feet are colder than Jack Dawson is right now.
13. You’re late for work. Because you wouldn’t stop cuddling, and you used that dead arm to hit the snooze button three times.
14. You can’t cuddle right now. Because wherever you are, it’s not a bed. And you’re not together. Sad face.