I know, I know. We tell our friends everything, right? Maybe we do. There are some things, though, that your friends may not be telling you about the little things they like to do while they’re alone, and for good reason:
- Stalking that ex they said they wouldn’t on alll the apps.
- Googling themselves after to see what their ex would see if they were also stalking.
- Stalking their ex’s new girlfriend, and screenshotting her.
- Then putting her picture next to their picture for an ego boost.
- Also drawing facial hair on her. Handlebar moustache.
- Blow drying the inside of their shirt when they’re cold.
- Listening to Justin Bieber.
- Singing at the top of their lungs…to Justin Bieber.
- Performing entire Justin Bieber concerts in their living room with a hairbrush as a mic…
- Instead of going out with you on Saturday.
- Also lying and saying that they have plans when those plans are…
- Drinking an entire bottle of soda in the span of four hours.
- Then impressing themselves with all the belching.
- Texting you while in a bubble bath with a glass of wine.
- Eating lean cuisine at the sink, standing up.
- Then just saying fuck it and getting some cheetos.
- Binge watching Mob Wives…
- And thinking it must be nice to have so much alone time.
- Reading “Romance novels” AKA literary porn…
- And pleasuring themselves to it.
- Eating an entire pizza by themselves…
- With the ferocity of someone gasping for breath.
- And washing it down with a pint of ice cream.
- Talking to their pets, and waiting for an answer.
- Pooping with the door open.
- Pooping while on the phone with you.
- Ugly crying because that commercial is on again…
- Continuing to cry loudly for another couple of minutes because they just have to let it out.
- Staring wayy too closely at themselves in the mirror…
- And using those apps to do virtual plastic surgery on themselves.
- Talking to themselves openly…
- And thinking, I’m pretty easy to talk to.
- Googling things you would definitely make fun of them for…
- Like, “Is Africa a country?”, or “Kim Kardashian’s first boyfriend.”
- Laughing at the plight of D-list celebrities nobody cares about.
- OMG Tori Spelling got divorced? Haha Hollywood. Also I don’t give a shit.
- Going home before you on a night out, saying they’re “exhausted…”
- But they’re not. They’re ordering food. Even if it is 4 AM.
- Wearing a big T-shirt, and no pants. Socks, though.
- Saying they woke up at 9AM, when really they just woke up. It’s 3 in the afternoon.
- Popping pimples and watching them die. Then doing the evil laugh.
- Wearing workout clothes while sitting on the couch watching TV.
- Sleeping with the lights on after they’ve seen a particularly scary movie.
- Reading sex tips like this one and actually considering it.
- Writing affirmations to themselves and attempting to believe them…
- I am happy, healthy and wise.
- Blissfully farting into the abyss while they sleep, knowing no one can hear them.
- Having sex with that guy who’s been after them forever but they never considered…
- And will never consider again. Ever.
- Buying you a present, realizing they really like it, and buying the same one for themselves.
