It’s no secret that the common British man is the most charming, polite and distinguished person you could ever hope to date (of course I’m not being biased!). If his accent doesn’t make your knees wobble, then his dental hygiene might.
But before you get your heart set on having a rough and tumble in the sheets with a Brit, there’s a few things you might want to know.
1. You’re not going to understand our slang.
A “fag” is a cigarette, not a derogatory term for a homosexual; when we’re “pissed” we aren’t angry – we’re drunk; and if we call you a “muppet” we aren’t comparing you to Kermit, we just think you’re a fucking idiot.
British slang is the best because it is so diverse and it is pronounced so well. We could be complimenting you or calling your mother a whore and you wouldn’t ever be able to tell the difference, and thats why….
2. We have the best swear words.
If something is “bollocks” its awful, but if it’s “the dog’s bollocks” its good. Following so far? We can use the “C” word with reckless abandon, we pronounce “twat” properly (tw-aht not tw-oht), and if you’re called a “cheeky little bastard” don’t get angry – we’re admiring your skills as a charmer and general ragamuffin.
The delivery and the context makes us the best swearers in the world, with a lexicon that can fill entire dictionaries, and I’m not even kidding. To make things even more confusing…
3. We’re polite to people we hate and insult the people we like.
Don’t get angry if we start affectionately calling you a “knobhead,” that means we consider you a friend. However, if we’re still overly polite to you after knowing you for a while that probably means we can’t stand you. British culture ensures that we have to be polite to everyone we meet; if we like you’ll we’ll relax and start insulting you as an indication of our friendship, if we forever remain formal then alarm bells should start ringing.
4. We have an irrational hatred of anyone born 30 miles from our house.
England is a small place. Within an hour drive from my front door I can get to Liverpool, Manchester, Sheffield, Birmingham and get a fair way to Leeds. Each of these cities has a distinct culture and accent to go along with a bristling rivalry with anyone from their neighbouring town. Most of this stems from football (proper football – not your kind of football) and the anger and resentment runs deep. So if you get confused and mix up Manchester with Liverpool I’m going to be offended, and heaven forbid you ask if I come from London.
5. Accents!
Fortunately we don’t all speak like Hugh Grant. As mentioned above, England is a small place and the accents on that tiny isle are many and varied. This means when you first meet us (and for the next 6 months) it’s going to be difficult deciphering what we’re trying to communicate. Throw in some regional dialects and confusing swear words and it’s probably best you just smile and nod 90% of the time. It’s ok though because we’ll sound charming, but in reality we’re probably just talking about the weather. Which brings me onto my next point…
6. Our small talk is bizarre.
I was serious about talking about the weather. Despite having possibly the most mundane weather patterns in the entire world, it seems to be a subject we have to talk about. Constantly. The entire country goes into shutdown if we get 4 inches of snow (rare) and if it happens to be sunny for more than 3 consecutive days (even rarer) we will ban people from watering their lawn. It’s like we manufacture reasons to talk about the weather because we know deep down it’s not exciting and in fact very depressing, but still, we can’t help rabbiting on about it.
7. We’re grumpy, cynical, sarcastic and self deprecating…but honestly this is what makes us happy!
A Brit is most happy when he has something to complain about, be it his local football team, politics, the National Health Service, or that bloody weather again. The more miserable we sound about something the happier we are. So don’t get down if we seem to be on a downward spiral of despair, we’re as happy as pig in shit.
