Because I Couldn't Just be Your Friend

“The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all… You know that's a lie too.” -Just Friends 

And when you looked at me and uttered the words, just friends, I thought okay if I loved you enough, I could have handled that. If I loved you enough, I could have dealt with being the one who listened to your problems and picked up the pieces, every time someone let you down. 

I complimented you and told you they were stupid. I failed to understand, why they didn't see you the way I did. I almost hated them, in part, for hurting you. 

I thought I could handle that.  

I remember that night, as we stood there looking at one another and tears streamed down my face, I told you I loved you. I knew I couldn’t just be your friend. Because I would always want more. 

And every time alcohol came pressed between my lips, I’d reach for the phone to tell you these things. I wanted to be strong for you. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to go back to the ways things used to be, before I fell fast and hard. But we don’t choose who we love. Our heart makes these choices for us. 

So while the concept of just friends seemed like I’d be doing you a favor, in return you were breaking every part of me. Because with every kiss and every touch, I felt it take over my entire body and I wondered if you felt it too. Even our hands brushing against one another, left me face red. 

Everyone called me stupid, but I couldn't help it. 

It was the smiles with every text, as your name appeared across my screen. It was every moment we spent in the darkness, it wasn’t just learning about you, but we learned from one another. You were my best friend, as well as my favorite love. Because no one knew me the way you did. I couldn’t tell people the things I’d tell you. And we’d lay there together just talking. You taught me first, how you don’t need a physical relationship, to fall in love with someone’s soul. You’d tell me you’d love me too, but it wasn’t that simple. And I always wondered why couldn’t it be? Why wasn’t I enough? 

I thought we were soulmates.

As selfish as it was, and as much as I didn’t want to ruin whatever it was we had, I fell in love. Then you told me that night, with your arms wrapped around me on the beach, that we couldn’t date and that you needed me. So I took that, as it came, and I settled for just friends. I would have given you anything you wanted. When you love someone you want them happy, even if it means breaking your own heart in the process. 

But it was selfish of you to think I could handle that. I was too young to realize the self destruction, in trying to hide the feelings that consumed me. I loved you probably more than anyone I ever had. 

I think I might have loved you more than myself, at times. 

And I think you liked that, you meant that much to someone. 

You hurt me and played me, and f*cked with my head, just to see how much you could get away with. 

There would be moments of screaming and fighting and me in tears and you’d walk away. 

That wasn’t being a friend. Using me to fill both emotional and physical voids, wasn't something friends do. You broke me down, just to build yourself back up. You broke my heart, because maybe then, the broken pieces someone else left you with, would make you whole. 

Girls know when you look into their eyes, and see someone else, or want it to be someone else. 

And I tried so hard. 

But you hurt the one person who would never do the same. I gave, and all you did was take, until I had nothing more for you. 

Then once you realized that, you left me.

And I remember that moment years later, we crossed paths again, and you looked down at the ground like you didn’t know me at all.  

I couldn’t just be your friend. And at first I thought that was my flaw. But it was a flaw in you, for asking that of me. 

I’ll probably always love you. And when and if our paths cross again I know, I’ll be breaking on the inside. I'll break for all we were, all we weren’t, and all you’ve probably forgotten, that I can’t seem to.

The memory of you haunts me, in your absence. 

But, I hope one day you look back at me, and what haunts you most, is what we could have been. Because one day, you will have realize my worth, but not before I realize it myself. 

“You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy, because as much as i enjoy the concept of being "just friends" in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and i'm just not willing to participate in it. so right now what i wanna do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.” – Dawson’s Creek

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