Depression is a bitch. It’s a daily fight with yourself and anybody around you. Dealing with manic depression is a lot to handle. Especially for the person in the relationship who is somewhat “normal”.
It makes things extremely difficult, especially in the bedroom. I would have days where my depression seemed to vanish, and I would feel so good. I would feel powerful and sexy. My sex drive would be out of the roof.
But most of the time, I would get wasted and be on Xanax in order for me to have sex. I’m not sure if I didn’t want to feel at all or to get more in the mood, or feel better about myself, but alcohol needed to be involved.
At least in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. That’s when things were good, my depression under control. That’s when sex was part of our daily routine.
Until something traumatic happened – my father passing.
My world shambled in pieces and my depression was back to consume me. Nothing felt good. Nothing could ever be the same again. I wanted to stay in bed forever – alone.
I didn’t want to shower, dress up, be touched or kissed. I was in my own bubble, ignoring my loving boyfriend. The various attempts he took, by telling me to see a therapist, failed.
My relationship was hanging on a tiny string. But my boyfriend didn’t give up on me, or us. He was patient and loving until he broke down.
I know he needed love and attention and most importantly: sex, but I wasn’t able to give it to him. I had no sex drive at all. Not even with myself or other people. It was non-existing.
He would try to buy me roses, take me out for dinner or cook for me, and gently cover me with kisses to try to change my mind about sex. But nothing worked for me.
We didn’t have sex for at least six months in our one-year relationship, which didn’t seem long for me, but for him.
For my boyfriend, it was torture and unacceptable. He had serious talks with me about changing, or he’ll leave. It gave me the reality check that I needed, but it was too late.
The times I initiated sex, got rejected, which made me feel unwanted and unattractive. I guess that’s how he must have felt the entire time being in this dead end relationship with me.
The bond we once had, the intimacy that made us feel trusted, and familiar with each other vanished, the love was gone. Feeling bad about being sad and depressed, and neglecting my boyfriend, made me even more depressed.
My relationship was over, because of my depression.
Ladies, if you find yourself depressed or got diagnosed with manic depression or any other mental issues, please seek help for the sake of yourself, but also to save your relationship before it’s too late.
