“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved” – Shana Abe
This is not a love that gets abandoned for the next hit.
She’s given you her whole heart, not just her body, not just a few nights where everything is perfect and magical and exciting. Because any fool can fall “in love??? – can stand by your side when everything is fresh and new and alluring. But she has given you so much more than a thrill, an instant gratification, a validation.
She’s given you new life because she looks at you as if you are magic – but not like the other girls do, when you’re shiny and perfect and charming, on top of the world and succeeding. No. She looks at you with such love when you’re unguarded, stripped off your layers and shields, wondering if you’re good enough if your dreams will ever come true. She looks at you and her gaze warms those parts, those parts that you can never seem to love. She believes in you, in your darkest times, when you feel incidental, small, broken.
You’re justifying.
You get in a fight, she insulted you, she’s difficult, temperamental, argumentative. So you use that as an excuse, a justification for why you go to another for comfort, for validation. If she’s far away, you justify your actions, “But I’m going to marry her one day,??? you say.
If you get in a fight, fall on hard times, when you struggle, when there’s doubt, you seek comfort in the arms or flirtation of another, “But I didn’t sleep with her,??? you say an even more comical justification. You justify so you’re able to sleep tight at night, completely happy with yourself, totally content with your actions.
But the real reason you’re able to sleep at night is that you still have your magic, your world, your treasure – you still have her. Because she thinks her heart is safe. Because she trusts you with all her heart. And that’s the worst part of all. Because she loves you so much that she remains faithful even when there’s doubt, even when you’re a million miles away from each other. Because that’s what real love is.
You’re not seeing it.
You’re not ready for it. If she’s far away – you should work that much harder to keep her. If she’s enraged, you should understand her, because it’s coming from love. If there’s the next jolt of excitement right in front of you, you should know that your girl who will love you better than anyone is all that really matters. The rest you won’t even remember.
You don’t deserve her.
You need to face your own demons first because until you do, you will always be searching for the intangible more. You will always be searching for validation, an affirmation that you are good enough, handsome enough, smart enough. Because if you can’t face yourself, you will always be searching.
The woman of your dreams, you won’t appreciate her. You’ll feel how her genuineness can’t be replaced. You will feel her beauty, her love, in every single edge of your body. You will know her worth. But as soon as things are difficult, aren’t working in that moment, you will seek out what’s easy. Sure, easy will never satisfy you, never start a fire in your heart, but you won’t care, because you think that the woman you love will always be there.
You’re breaking her trust.
You’re breaking her heart. You soothe yourself and distract yourself and tell yourself that texting someone ‘isn’t really cheating,’ that ‘it doesn’t really count if they’re far away ’ or ‘she’s the love of my life’ – thinking that you love her through your words and intentions. No. The most beautiful constructed words, the grandest gestures of love are worth nothing if you’re betraying her heart. Because loyalty is worth a million times more than the grandest intention.
Her heart is to be protected, to be treasured. You’re supposed to be the one guy in the whole world who would never hurt her. You think that no matter what you do, she will always be there because she loves you. But that’s not the case. She loves you because she’s strong. It takes strength, an extraordinary person to truly love someone so deeply – through all the moments, from the enchantment to the struggle.
If you’re not good to her, no matter how well you justify it, she will leave. She will be broken, for a while. But then rise stronger, wiser, ready for a love that won’t ever betray her. While you will be left desperately searching for the missing pieces that disappeared when she left, unable to ever find them because the best part of you was her.