It's Not That Complicated: 10 Things Manipulative Douchelords Say and What They Actually Mean

More and more, we keep making excuses for guys, telling ourselves he’s just so complicated, listening to their words and not their actions, all the while not realizing that we’re putting up with shit and being manipulated by egocentric douchelords. 

I hate to break it to you, but more often than not, what he’s saying is actually not that complicated…here are 10 things douchelords say and what they really mean: 

1. “But I love you so much…please forgive me, I’ll never do it again…you’re my world” (after he did something shitty, again) = I will keep using words to make you feel a certain way. I keep doing things to hurt you and even though these actions speak much stronger than any words I say, I will keep telling you sweet things to get you back and stop being mad at me, because, you know, saying things instead of doing them is much easier….I probably won’t stop doing crappy things because I can’t change but also, why should I? You always take me back after I tell you “I love you,” anyways… 

2. “There’s a part of me that doesn’t allow myself to be happy. I’m self-sabotaging. You make me too happy – I’m scared of how happy you make me.” = I’m crazy. Don’t date me and run far, far away. 

3. I’m at a very difficult time in my life…you’re so amazing, you deserve much better than me. I can’t give you what you deserve.” = You’re not important enough for me to try and make it work. I don’t want to put in the effort that it’ll take to be with you. 

4. “You’re too needy, demanding and controlling, you want too much…” (after you tell him he’s been neglecting your needs and you want to spend more time with him) = I’m going to make you the “crazy” one, therefore making you feel guilty for wanting my attention and affection, while simultaneously dodging any responsibility for my shitty actions. Muhaha I’m a genius! 

5. “You don’t understand me….I just have such a complex inner world, I have so many emotions, you never listen to me.” = I’m a douchelord. Everything will always be about me, and my emotions will always be more important than yours. 

6. “Hi…I miss you, I can’t stop thinking about you, I want to see you…” (although he’s never truly committed to you) = I’m horny. I know I can get you to see me again with a few romantic words…. I haven’t contacted you in two months but I know you’re convenient and available whenever I want you to be…I don’t plan on committing to you and I never will…I’m just horny and need some affection. 

7. “I’m not looking for something serious.” = You’re not going to change me…even if I end up falling in love with you, I’m not ready for a strong commitment and ultimately this will be the reason for our breakup… no matter how amazing you are you will not be able to change the fact that emotionally, I am not ready for a real relationship. 

8. “I’m becoming too dependent on you….I’m afraid I’m relying on you too much…I’m scared of this and think we should end it.” = I’m not that into you but I will cleverly disguise it by making you think that I’m complicated and that my feelings are too “strong” for you and I’ve lost all control because I’m too into you. Muhaha, genius again.

9. “Omg, so what, I texted her. it’s not like I would ever actually want to see her…” = Maybe I do, maybe I really don’t, but I’m definitely insecure and need validation from the opposite sex. I need attention from other girls because I’m not secure with myself and even though I love you and want to be with you, I need to know I still “got” it for my childish ego. 

10. “I’m sorry I spoke to you and treated you like that, I’m depressed…” (for the 3rd time this month) = I will keep using my issues as an excuse as to why I’m treating you poorly. I’m selfish and will always do what I want to do, quite happily actually, but as soon as you call me out on my shit, I will be depressed. I will bring up my issues so you feel sorry for me and let me get away with things.