Love yourself

I’m going through a pretty tough season in my life right now. Some people will probably roll their eyes as far as they can into the back of their head as I explain the challenges I’m facing, because although it has been hard for me, I’m positive that I’m not going through anything close to what other people are going through. I am very fortunate to have what I have, don’t get me wrong. But the problem is that I’m never fully satisfied and I don’t stop pushing myself (or others) until I am.

This was a great trait to have as a child and even as a young adult, considering that I was able to earn enough money to go on school trips to Washington, D.C. twice, I worked three jobs at one point in college so that I could study abroad, and after returning from the Czech Republic, I graduated with my bachelor’s degree–which I accomplished in three and a half years. I am very proud of all my achievements, including beating teen pregnancy–which a lot of people thought I wasn’t going to do.

My intention is not to make myself feel good or make others feel bad, but rather I’d like to get really vulnerable with the world. My life looked perfect on social media; I traveled frequently, I had a super hot boyfriend, I was always going to concerts and shows, and I looked happy. Here’s the deal:

I wasn’t.

After my ex and I broke up at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I took that time to do whatever I wanted–and I mean whatever. I was traveling the world, hooking up with random guys (sorry Mom), making music, underage drinking (sorry, again Mom), literally anything. Sometimes a few of those things at once! But no matter how many comments I got on how happy I looked or how much fun I was having, I still felt a void.

Ever since I was little, I was the girl who always had to have a boyfriend. Now, I’m not going to blame this on my “daddy issues,” but now that I’m older, I do think that I created my own independency issues–Mommy issues, if you will. I liked dating immature losers because I liked helping them and–get ready ladies–I liked trying to change them. It was a challenge to me and I enjoyed pushing others to become better, just as much as I enjoyed pushing myself. I relished in the feeling of having someone rely on me, almost in a motherhood way. This wasn’t always a bad thing, but what I learned over time is that those losers didn’t care about me all along (shocker, right?!). I was being used and betrayed time and time again. I never felt like I was good enough for anybody because I was always getting cheated on or stabbed in the back. I didn’t understand why. Did they not read my resume?! Did I not talk enough about my accomplishments listed above?! What’s wrong with me?!

What I’ve finally started to realize is that I shouldn’t have ever dedicated so much time and effort into someone who didn’t appreciate me for what I had to offer. They couldn’t change me and I couldn’t change them. What it comes down to is this: I was far too busy trying to help other people love themselves, that I forgot to teach myself how to love me.

So, fast forward a couple of years, and my life still looks perfect. I have a decent job, I married the man of my dreams, I only have $1,800 of student loan debt left, we’ve started our own business, we have a dog and live in downtown Denver. Perfect, right?

Wrong.

Remember how I said I forgot to teach myself how to love me? Yeah, that’s still an issue. Isn’t it crazy how problems don’t just go away if you put them off to the side?! Since I never took the time to actually face this dilemma, I’m now dragging it into my marriage. Let me explain:

  • I accuse him of cheating because I’m insecure.
  • I didn’t learn how to properly cope with issues so not only am I taking my anger out on my husband, but also I’ve developed a very unhealthy drinking habit.
  • My negative attitude and constant nagging is having an impact in the bedroom.
  • I’m constantly comparing myself to the women we’re around in public and I’m watching his eyes to make sure he doesn’t check them out.

I’m constantly battling with my own thoughts and if there isn’t anything else you get out of this please, get this:

It’s OKAY not to be okay. You don’t have to pretend to have this perfect, glamorous lifestyle and that everything is okay, when in reality, you’re crying yourself to sleep because you don’t have the ass of a Kardashian or the right man just hasn’t walked into your life yet. PLEASE, for the love of God, put down your phone and learn to love yourself. And if you have any tips on how to do so, HMU.

Seriously though, if I can save you from making the same mistakes I have, then my job here is done. Take a day off and treat yo’ self. Stand naked in front of the mirror and admire the beautiful body that God has blessed you with. Surround yourself with others who lift you up and who you can cheer on, as well. As the great Rachel Hollis says, “Girl, wash your face!”      

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