in ,

Loving myself before I can love another: a tale of relationships gone wrong


This awkwardness and internal turmoil continued throughout my early adulthood (and still does to an extent), fueled by yet more things, people, etc. to compare myself to or against. In reality, if I had been smart, I would have sought serious and intensive counseling at this point. However, instead of dealing with this feelings of animosity in a healthy manner, I decided to do two things consistently: drink heavily and get into relationships/dating scenarios. 


My first love, alcohol, has done nothing but ruin my life, nearly my career, and several relationships for me. There will be a whole chapter dedicated to my alcoholism in my upcoming book, but needless to say, the effects of it were life altering. There was a time I could do without it, but around the age of 23, right before things got adult real fucking fast (aka graduating pharmacy school and getting a big girl job), it devoured me. I could not identify without it nor with it oddly enough. 


I used it to numb out, and to stop feeling anything whatsoever. At one point, it was the only way I could fall asleep (1/5th of whiskey and about 6 tall boy beers) or feel even a shred of emotion. I used to LIVE for the 1 hour of initial upper feeling I got from it. However, the further my alcoholism progressed, the smaller that time window became. Then would come the worst feelings I can imagine: suicidal ideation with seemingly sound judgment.