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Loving myself before I can love another: a tale of relationships gone wrong

The only thing that kept me from acting upon such rash, and what seemed to me to be very rational feelings and emotions was blacking out and the image of my mother burying a second daughter.


This is around the time I found my first boyfriend too, which seems very fitting. For the hole in my heart and soul that alcohol could not fill, I substituted the love” of my first serious relationship. Obviously a relationship centered around drinking with a budding alcoholic probably has foreboding written all over it to anyone but me. BUT you could not convince my alcoholic ass that I wasnt the happiest and luckiest girl alive.


That soon changed as my alcoholism progressed and the relationship disintegrated with it. Left bereft of a future, love for myself, and a clue as to what to do, I did what any normal person would do: sought professional help. JK, I didnt do that. Yes, I saw a counselor, but I just lied my ass off as to how my drinking was going and immediately got onto dating sites as soon as I stepped foot back into Oklahoma City.


The second relationship that filled my ever growing need to be loved, was with a prime predator for me: a sociopathic narcissist. I will not go into detail over the exact nature of that relationship but to say that I was left reeling. Being gaslighted on and off for over 2.5 years, having a VPO wrongly filed and upheld against me (despite no contact for over a year), and leaving that situation not knowing what was real or not was enough to decimate any scarce trace of self-love I might have began to grow. The only thing that I got from that relationship was self-loathing, self-doubt, and a deepening of my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacies even further. 


Still reeling from the tortures of a skilled narcissist, I sought out help within a professional organization for pharmacists with addiction issues. That honestly probably saved my life. Much to the dismay of my family and friends, I quickly found myself in yet another long term relationship in the midst of a near and total breakdown. 


However, this one was a little bit different. Despite telling him that I was not at all ready for a relationship and just needed friends and support, I dove right in headfirst per usual. Right on time, my alcoholism kicked back in and left a nasty initial breakup as a result of a belligerent scene that seemed to last for days on end. 


Left empty and broken from this, I did what any rational being would do when they hit rock bottom: asked for help. NOPE! Well, technically, I did. It was honestly all just a ruse to placate my now ex and to entice him into getting back together with me. My brilliant plan worked about 3 months later, convincing hi that I had truly changed. And to an extent I had, but I was just more skilled at burying the issues I didnt truly want to face.