Modern dating is a bitch. In today’s world, the only difference between your actions being considered romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That is it, that is all.
And while there are some ugly modern dating truths that we’ll never get away from, there are seven Douchelords and Cruellabitches that anyone looking for love should avoid at all costs:
1. The one who indirectly expresses how they feel through social media.
These Douchelords and Cruellabitches will indirectly express how they feel by posting a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of some shit with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it.
And while they’ll never directly say it, it’s blatantly directed at you, “Well SOME people just don’t understand that SOME people have feelings and SOME people just shit all over them, #FML #IDFWU #TRUTH.”
2. The one who has an illusion of having many options.
This person will look at Facebook as an ‘attractive people menu’ and no matter how much you connect with them, they will always have one foot out the door and one eye wandering at other options. These people can’t see the steak in front of them, because they will always be distracted by the mediocre buffet.
If you aren’t the Douchelord’s or Cruellabitches’s top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table. Don’t put up with that shit. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, these people don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like.
3. The one who’s an idiot.
There’s nothing worse than a Cruellabitch or Douchelord who’s also a dum-dum. If you find yourself more intellectually stimulated by sandpaper, you should run the other way.
4. The one who thinks texting and Facebook is romance.
Witty emoji sessions can serve as awesome fore-play in-between dates, but to have that as a standard form of daily communication? Text communication is the worst type of communication you can have with a human being. If you meet this type of Douchelord or Cruellabitch, it will be their preferred type of communication and any time you will call them they won’t pick up.
Quickly drop these people because any person who’s serious about you will want to see your real smile in real time, not FaceTime.
5. The one who realizes just how much they like you at 3 a.m. when they’re drunk.
Every so often, you’ll wake up to a text or a Facebook message from them in the middle of the night, “I need you…I miss you so much…”
No, they didn’t just get the woosh of courage because they’re faded. If this person never really committed to you, they’re not really that into you and they don’t miss you “omg sooo much,” it’s all those endorphins and shit released after drinking.
Don’t even bother with a response.
6. The one that makes you feel like you don’t get them.
You constantly have to bend over backwards and put your feelings aside because, you know, their inner world is just so deep and complicated. You will always find yourself tip toeing around them because they’re so sensitive, and you don’t want to mess up their creative process/mood or seem like you don’t “get” it.
At first, you might think this person is just complicated and special. But after you find yourself listening again for hours and hours about how delicate and perplexing their emotions are, and they never really seem to care about your feelings, you’ll realize they’re just an egoistical Douchelord/Cruellabitch.
7. The one who makes you believe everything is your fault.
When there’s a fight, instead of focusing on the actual problem at hand, the Douchelord and Cruellabitch will make you feel as though the fight was somehow your fault. In short: Everything bad that ever happens is because of you, you, you, and never them. They’re perfect; you’re shit, end of story.
8. The one who has a “bad” memory.
“Oh baby, I don’t remember…I don’t know where I know them from…oh yeah, they’re my cousin…” This Douchelord or Cruellabitch will always conveniently “forget” things. This type of person will be able to easily lie to your face and when you catch them on their shit, they’ll throw a bitch fit and make you feel like the wrong one by saying you have trust issues and that you’re too controlling. Run away – modern dating is hard enough as it is.
Related Article:
It’s Not That Complicated: 10 Things Manipulative Douchelords Say and What They Actually Mean