I don’t remember your go-to order when we’d go out to dinner. I don’t remember the name of the cologne you used to drown yourself in. I don’t even remember your favorite beer. I forgot a lot of things about you, but the one thing my heart will never forget is the way you made me feel.
The way you’d relentlessly tear me down and make me feel so insecure.
The way your screams echoed in my sleep, how I walked on eggshells around you terrified of infuriating by accident. I remember the fights that left me weak, just thinking of them makes me cringe.
I felt broken and you convinced me that you weren’t doing anything wrong, that I was just overthinking it, that I was the crazy one.
I felt like a different person than I used to be. I lost myself and I lost my confidence because I allowed you to break me down. I gave up my friends, I cut people from my life just to keep you happy. I stopped responding to the male cashiers at the grocery stores when they asked “how are you” because I didn’t want you to be mad at me for talking to a guy. I blocked my friends’ phone numbers because I knew you didn’t like them texting me all the time.
And after shredding everything that I ever was, you left me. Honestly, thank you for leaving because I would never have.
I thought you were it for me, I thought you were the one. I had grown to believe that you were the best that I could have and I’ll chalk that up to your manipulation. I believed that our relationship was acceptable because I hadn’t known any better. I didn’t know that love could blind me from seeing how truly controlling and narcissistic you were.
I believed that we fought and argued because we loved each other, I honestly thought all couples fought like that. I couldn’t see how toxic, poisonous, dangerous, and abusive it was.
Now, I can finally be who I want to be, who I needed to be all along. I have grown as a person. I’ve learned how to show more compassion and communicate how I’m really feeling. I’ve learned how to be respectful to others’ feelings because I know what pain is, especially emotional.
And I have my confidence back. I am happy with my life and damn proud of myself. I never realized that I was so unhappy until it was over and I learned what true happiness is.
I feel blessed that I escaped and found my own again, so much so that I worry for your new love. Don’t confuse that with jealousy, in fact, I feel bad for her every single day.
Every time I see her, it takes me by surprise and I want to ask her if she’s okay. I can’t bring myself to talk to her, but so badly I want to say “I hope he treats you better.”
I feel bad that she is with a monster and she doesn’t see it at all, just like I didn’t.
I pray that you treat her better, but I doubt you do. Maybe she’ll get out before you shatter her, too. Before you touch her and convince her she’s worthless and ruins love for her.
God, I hope you have changed. I hope you have changed for the sake of everyone around you. For the sake of your future wife, your future children, and your future children’s spouses (since the cycle will probably continue). I honestly hope that you will stop being controlling, judgmental, critical, rude, overbearing, and abusive.
The one thing you’ve taught me is how to not allow myself to trust anyone who’s unworthy of my heart. I will never allow myself to be abused, emotionally or physically ever again. Thanks to you, I know the signs. I know the words and the gut feelings to not ignore.
I know the pain you put me through too well. I know that everything you said about me wasn’t true and has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.
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