I was so, so, wrong.
It didn’t take too long to understand that I meant very little to you. That I was just your stand-in, someone to keep a place warm for whoever or whatever was coming next.
I was a warm body to sleep next too, someone to tell all your problems too. Someone who would be there when you needed them and then disappear when it no longer benefited you. I want you to know how awful that makes someone feel. How awful it made me feel. I didn’t lose myself in loving you, in wanting you, as much as I lost the ability to think that I was good enough for anyone else.
You drained me.
You made promises that you had no intention of keeping. You made me smile, true, but you made me cry more. You made me feel so little, I thought that I couldn’t feel whole unless you were right beside me.
The truth is, I never really stood a chance. You never wanted to get close to my heart or my mind. You never wanted me to stay. You never wanted me to get attached. I could blame myself for falling too hard and too fast, but I’ve come to learn that most of the blame lies with you.
For giving me less than what I deserve. For not thanking me for being there when I didn’t have too, the times when you really needed me. But mostly, I blame you for making me think that somehow, someway, I would be good enough. I would be what you wanted.