Things You Should Know About Dating A Jewish Girl

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In Hebrew School, they taught all of us little Jews that our people were God’s “chosen people.”  They also taught us lots of other things, like how to read and write Hebrew, and which foods are kosher, but they didn’t really do anything to prepare us for a lifetime of dating non-Jews. Probably because good Jewish kids are supposed to grow up and marry other good Jewish kids.

Whether or not you only date Jews is totally up to you, but non-Jews should definitely know a few things before getting into a relationship with a girl of the Hebrew faith.  We’re not that different from everyone else, but you still need to understand a few things.

  1. If we date, my parents will be part of our life.

    I talk to them every single day, so they’ll know an awful lot about our business.  (Sorry!)  They’ll know what we had for dinner last night, where we’re going for dinner tonight, everything about your family, and much more.  They like to be super involved.

  2. You know another Jewish person?  Chances are, my family knows them too.

    The Jewish community is pretty tight.  If your neighbor is Jewish, chances are, I went to his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah.

  3. I’ve probably been to Israel.

    We get to go for free.  It’s called “birthright.”

  4. I’ve definitely been to Jewish summer camp.

    And I probably still have old camp t-shirts that I wear to sleep in or work out.  Jewish summer camp is a rite of passage.  It shapes little Jewish kids into the little Jewish adults they grow up to be.

  5. Yes, you’re invited to the Seder at Passover.  They’re actually pretty interesting.

    No joke, if you’ve never been, a Passover Seder is kind of fascinating.  Even if it’s not totally your thing, you’ll still enjoy it because the wine is flowing and my mom’s food is amazing.

  6. My family (and I mean my whole family) will absolutely welcome you with open arms.

    You’ll never meet a group of people as kind, funny, and welcoming as a big Jewish family.

  7. That’s because my family is really tight.

    Even if we don’t live in the same state, you can rest assured that a big Jewish family remains close.

  8. The closest thing my people have to a Jesus Christ figure is Jon Stewart.

    Jon Stewart knows this.

  9. Some of our traditional food is weird, but don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

    Have you ever had hamantashen?  It sounds goofy, but it’s basically just a cookie with delicious stuff folded inside.

  10. In most cases, I enjoy a good Jewish joke as much as the next person.

    We’re pretty accepting with our senses of humor…to an extent.  I know some Jews who will laugh uproariously at a Holocaust joke, but for many of us, that’s way too far.  Joke carefully.

  11. That said, almost all those silly “JAP” stereotypes aren’t true.

    My daddy didn’t buy me a BMW on my 16th birthday and only a handful of my Hebrew school classmates got nose and boob jobs for their high school graduation.

  12. My mom and I are so close, we’re practically sisters.

    We’re also basically the same person, but don’t ever try to tell me that because I will deny it until the end of my days.

  13. My dad may not look like a bodybuilder, but he will destroy you if you hurt me.

    He’s not excessively strong or athletic, but that doesn’t mean he won’t intimidate the hell out of you.

  14. You will probably be asked what your intentions are with me, way earlier than what you might deem appropriate.

    “So, when are you going to get engaged?  When are you going to give me grand kids?”

  15. Even if we don’t date forever, you’ll never forget me.

    Me and my culture will leave a lasting impact on you, long after we break up.  Every time you go for a bagel, you’ll wish you had some delicious lox to go with it.


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