The emotional torture I endured deteriorated my mental health.
I spent so long trapped in the hands of a man who did nothing but look at me and my life under a microscope that I lost my ability to confidently think for myself. My new anxiety disorder leads me to not trust the very thoughts that crossed my mind or the words that formed in my mouth.
I was held captive by my anxiety, it stole my sense of comfort in who I was and my relationships with the people who once meant so much to me. I suddenly felt anxiety creep in when I’m in social situations, leading me to overthink even the slightest interaction, going over in my mind all the things I could’ve said or done differently for days after the fact. It consumed me and colored my world in fifty shades of nervousness and worry.
And it breaks my heart that even though I finally found the strength to walk away, the verbal abuse continues to affect me. I wanted so badly for this feeling to disappear, I prayed that the trauma would just disappear along with my narcissistic ex… but then I learned from another study that “verbal abuse can cause significant psychological problems in later years and brain damage, including anxiety, depression, anger-hostility, and dissociation.”
Even years after I’ve cut the toxic out of my life, there’s still no telling how long it’ll take for my brain to fully recuperate from the abuse. I was living in a hostile environment for so long that I became accustomed to it and now my brain is continuing to suffer.