I wasn’t weak or foolish for loving him. I knew there were more downs than there were ups. I was strong enough to continue to fight for it, but I was smart enough to stop.
I needed it to end before the memory of them was forever tainted. When you have a love this rare -it’s often hard to survive and even harder to create again.
I tried my hardest for this to end without our remaining love dying from the toxic shock of it all.
I understood my part in this, I even accepted most of the blame. He wasn’t toxic, I wasn’t either and our relationship didn’t start as such. It grew inside their love and latched onto every part of our souls until we became toxic for each other. It was fatal, and we knew that but I continued to be our life support until the very end.
Without each other, we were just functioning, but together we were alive.
It wasn’t self-destruction and I wasn’t addicted to him like a drug. In it’s simplest form it was us trying to find our way back to each other because when the love was there we were truly alive. We ignored the toxic bullshit because we focused on the hope that our future could be like their past.
But as time went on I could feel his hope for us dwindle and so I did what I could to make it easy for him to leave. He said goodbye and I cut myself out of his life because while I never thought I’d be able to move on, I wanted to give him the chance to.
Every late night call, every midday “just because” text and story to share – I fought the urge to contact him.
I fought every day to make it easier for him, I couldn’t be remembered as that girl who just couldn’t let go. But then the inevitable happened and I finally felt it all…and all at once.
He moved on and did nothing to consider my feelings.
And it was in that moment, I realized I was still living my life for him- thinking of his needs even when I wasn’t any longer what he wanted- and so I said goodbye.
I stopped being numb to his pain. I felt the emotions until they broke my heart over and over again. I replayed the memories and what-ifs until I realized I was still drowning in our toxic relationship but no one else was there to save me.
