When you lose someone who is so important in your life, childhood, and adulthood it is a pain that you cannot even fathom. Three years ago Gammers you passed away. It left me so broken after one of the hardest years of my life I did not know if I would be able to get back up again because well I just lost a woman of remarkable strength and I knew that I was no where near as strong as you where. The last three years without you have been the most bittersweet.
You didn’t get to see me go back to school:
When I moved back home you made me promise that I would go back to school. That I would do more. I was just getting ready to start classes and go back to work when I got the call that you where gone. My heart ached thinking that you where not going to be there to help me through the hard times of going back to school. You would not be able to tell me that you loved me and that I was doing a great job on those hard days, and then you would not be there to watch me walk across that stage and receive my harder earned diploma. All I wanted was to turn back time, I just wanted to see you proud of me one more time, as proud of me as you where when I gave you that picture of me in my cap and gown. My heart breaks knowing that you will not be there to see that in person when I finally finish this bachelors degree.
You won’t be at my wedding:
I found love. You would love him and how he treats me. I can see your face right now and how happy you would be to see him walk in the front door with me. I know you would love him! But, thinking about the day that I marry this man is so bittersweet. Yes, it will be a day of love and joy. That I promise you because I know you would not want it any other way. But knowing that you wont be there to celebrate the love that I found, the same love you found in poppy really breaks my heart. I feel so crushed! The only comfort that I find in knowing that you wont be there in person in the flesh is that I am confident that you will be there in the best seats possible. Just know that it still won’t be the same and that is something that will forever be part of this heart break.
Just being with you:
I feel so cheated. No you won’t be here for the big moments of m life and as crushing as that is, it’s also the moments that are so ordinary that I am going to miss the most. Our thirty minute drive to the girl that did your nails. Yeah, I still cannot bring myself to go there. I just miss you too much, and it would just break my heart to see her! And I have come to a point in life that I am now going to need those cooking skills that you tried to show me so man times. I would give anything for you to teach me how to make those dippy eggs like you did. Its the holidays that I miss. How you put so much effort into everything for all of us. Everything personalized to all of us so we all felt special.
I have to admit that the last three years have felt so dark without you. Missing you is a pain that I never thought that I would feel. Thinking about the big events in my life that are coming there is a little sadness because you should be here to celebrate all of them. Maybe that is selfish that we all want you here in the flesh, but I do know you are looking down and cheering us all on pain free. So say hi to great grandma and grandpa for me.
